Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
Dear Kiki,
My wife put on a few pounds after having our kid and I’ve realized that I find her incredibly attractive now. The issue is, she wants to lose the weight. I’m worried that my obvious attraction to her with a bit extra might make her feel guilty about it (she’s made passing comments to that effect) but I don’t want to pretend that I’m not attracted to her because I feel like it would make it worse! I don’t know what the right option is. I love her and I want her to do what makes her feel more happy and confident, but I don’t know what the appropriate way is to make her feel like I love her no matter what she looks like. Help!
Signed,
Craving Her Curves
Dear Craving,
There’s two points that I want to get out into the open here. They’re unassailable and at the crux of your dilemma, and I think it will help to make them perfectly clear.
It’s her body, and the only thing that matters in terms of changes to it (aside from health) is whether or not she feels comfortable.
AND
We can’t control what turns us on, and (limited ethical exceptions aside) it shouldn’t make us feel shame or embarrassment.
Finding a way to live in the tension between these two truths isn’t going to be easy. But coming to the conversations knowing that you are both right, and the only question is how much you’re each willing to bend to the other’s comfort puts you both in the right mindset to set ego aside. Then, it becomes no different than the question of what temperature it needs to hit before you turn the heat on, or whether eating locally raised meat is more ethical than being a vegan with a higher carbon footprint.
However, there are a couple of other considerations that complicate your situation, and it’s worth taking time to consider them in making your own choice about how far to bend.
The first is the way that childbirth can affect a person’s sense of self. Your wife may be having a hard time seeing herself when she looks in the mirror — and the fact is, losing weight may not even resolve that problem. If this is her first child, you need to be sensitive to the fact that she is fundamentally different now. She may need support from you that starts with a graceful acceptance of the changes she wants to make to her body but continues further as she grows into her new identity.
The second is this statement: “I don’t know what the appropriate way is to make her feel like I love her no matter what she looks like.” Finding a resolution to this should be your top priority, frankly. And that’s completely independent of your situational concern. Understanding how you each give and receive love is paramount to a grounded and healthy relationship.
Take some time to rewind to the basics. The “love languages” concept carries some religious baggage that makes it easy to reject, but there is truth to the simple idea that each of us has specific ways that we express love and that help us feel loved by others. Discuss those with each other, and (re)commit to making those practices a daily habit. Once you’re settled back into the security of feeling loved unconditionally, you’ll both have an easier time discussing these tricky questions.
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s January 2024 issue.
