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Dear Kiki: What is the right amount of sex in a marriage?

Dear Kiki, I have a very personal question. I love my husband more than anything else in the world, but over the past few years we have been having very little sex (perhaps once a month). We still “get along” amazingly well and he’s still my best friend, but the fact that we don’t have sex very often is always in the back of my mind (and his, too). […]

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From the ‘naughtiness factor’ to a search for power, erotic fantasies follow a formula

Think back to the first time you felt sexy feelings. I’m pretty sure my first “tingly” thoughts involved watching David Bowie in Labyrinth, with his very impressive bulge. I also distinctly remember sneaking a peek at softcore porn on staticy channels like HBO or Cinemax late at night. (Think of the TV screen in Poltergeist, but instead of a swirly ghost […]

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Fight fatphobia — stop commenting on other people’s bodies

“When you’re overweight, your body becomes a matter of public record in many respects,” wrote Roxane Gay in her book Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body. “Your body is constantly and prominently on display. People project assumed narratives onto your body and are not at all interested in the truth of your body, whatever that truth might be. […]

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Dear Kiki: I think my friend’s husband is trying to start an affair

One of my best friends was recently married to a wonderful man who I think is a perfect fit for her. After the wedding he began reaching out to me via Facebook Messenger in order to — as I first assumed — get to know me better. However, the conversation on his end soon shifted from typical banter to topics that make me feel uncomfortable […]

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Dear Kiki: My children call my current relationship ‘disgusting.’ Are they right?

About a month ago I developed a sexual relationship with my significant other’s son. My children have now disowned me calling the relationship disgusting, a poor decision, and inappropriate. The way I see it, other than the age gap of 25 years, we are both single, both adults, we are not related. Do you think my children are correct in their perception of this relationship and if so, for what reasons? […]

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Shalisa Gladney of RVAP talks relationships, ‘consent culture’ and writing your own rules

I gave Shalisa Gladney a hug when she emerged from her office to greet me at the University of Iowa Women’s Resource and Action Center. During our conversation, much of which focused on relationships and consent, Gladney admitted she is not a hugger — I had neglected to check before going in for an embrace. But she […]

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Dear Kiki: Where can I find other BDSM enthusiasts in the Iowa City area?

“I’m a 65-year-old, semi-retired, BDSM-loving, cross-dressing, kinky, fetishy baby-boomer in decent condition. I’m not afraid to be beaten until I cry. I’m highly breast-envious. I’m just looking for someone to love and play with, but the women I’ve fallen for have never been into this stuff.” […]

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‘Not tonight, dear’: Reconciling discrepancies in desire

Glenn wants sex every day; Joe wants sex once a week. Heidi wants sex twice a week, while Robert wants it twice a month. Angela wants sex once a year, Paige wants to have sex — never? Perhaps you’re lucky enough to match with a person or persons with the same sexual appetite as you, but odds are your moods and cravings won’t always line up.
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Mortifying sex moments (and how to survive them)

One of the most common questions I hear in my practice is, “Is that normal?” More often than not, the answer is yes. I asked some fellow Iowans to divulge their most mortifying sexcapades, and boy, did they deliver. I’ve included some of these stories below, along with some tips and context. […]

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Dear Kiki: I feel betrayed by my husband, and I can’t let it go

A year ago, my husband engaged in frequent and very personal Whatsapp chats with a woman he met in a hobby group. They met first with some other friends in the group. After that, they worked on a project together. This project brought them closer to each other. My husband often spent hours chatting with her, even wee and […]

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The joy and pain of longing

Maybe it was the news of Luke Perry dying at 52, or this never-ending goddamn winter, but I’ve been overcome recently with a desire to do something drastic, frivolous, adventurous. I feel an urge to escape the discomfort of my body, the constant thinking, the routine, anything unpleasant and say, “Fuck it! I’m bustin’ out of these chains.” […]

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