Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
Dear Kiki,
I want to fall in love forever. I never want to stop experiencing the rush of new love, and why should I?
—Falling Forever
Dear FF,
It’s intoxicating, isn’t it?! The butterflies, the intensity, the feeling of warmth as your heart races. It’s electric, a full-body buzz. Who wouldn’t want to keep experiencing that?
Well, lots of people, honestly. Anyone who isn’t so great at compartmentalizing, to start. The lure of new love has the power to make you forget other responsibilities. Unless you can lock it away at will, you may find that your friendships and family relationships suffer, your work suffers — even your capacity for self care is at risk.
Think back on some of the wildest things you’ve done in the throes of new love: Staying up all night talking is a common one, as is staying up all night doing (ahem) other things. You may have found yourself gazing into your lover’s eyes so deeply that everything else (including, say, dinner cooking on the stove) fades away completely. Perhaps you thrill to the sound of their voice so thoroughly that you ignore those crucial call-waiting beeps. Anything as all-consuming as love carries risk with it.
But let’s say you are a champion at mental sequestering, and let’s take it as a given that any possible recipient of your love is, as well. Surely there are no dangers to a permanent honeymoon phase then!
Sadly, that’s not the case. Taking the most thoroughly banal perspective, there are four chemicals — the “happy hormones”: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins — which contribute to that intoxicating feeling of new love (and every other type of joy we feel).
Most of us are familiar with serotonin — SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) are the most commonly prescribed drugs for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which in turn is the most commonly diagnosed mental disorder in the U.S., affecting 6.8 million adults. There are studies that find the mood regulator to be bidirectional, meaning your good mood increases your serotonin just as your serotonin levels improve your mood. You and your love make each other happier simply by being happy together.
Oxytocin, nature’s bonding agent, is a social chemical that increases empathy and intimacy. It’s triggered primarily by touch, cementing your connection to each other as you hold hands. Endorphins, source of a “runner’s high,” is a natural painkiller, triggered by (ahem) exertion.
And then there’s dopamine. Sweet, sweet dopamine, which is crucial to our brains’ pleasure and reward system. Dopamine, which can be triggered by many things but is strongly correlated with novelty. That is to say, one of the reasons new love feels so good is because it is new.
Aha! Well, the solution then is to just keep finding new partners, right? FF, you know I am a great advocate of polyamory. And that certainly is one way to chase that high. But first of all, it’s a numbers game. Some people search their whole lives and never find even a single “true love.” Finding multiple in quick enough succession to ensure that you never stop feeling the rush is unlikely, at best. And if you maintained relationships with all of them? Well, I don’t have that kind of energy, FF. Do you?
Even if you cycle through lovers, moving on the moment the “new car smell” has faded, there’s one big downside: You’ll never get to feel the grounding, buoying, affirming, foundational feeling of aging love.
This is something that doesn’t get discussed nearly enough, in my opinion. If new love is the freefall rush of jumping out of a plane, aging love is the magnificent awe that you feel once your parachute opens. The feelings are wholly different but equally as satisfying. New love is intoxicating because it feels like an out-of-body experience, while aging love is what makes you feel comfortable in your body.
Often, the annoyances of familiarity and habit can make aging love seem less attractive. But it’s absolutely possible to swim into the deep without anchoring yourself to the seabed. (In fact, some people anchor themselves as a substitute for the experience.) I will never speak ill of new love. But before you choose to chase it exclusively, give yourself the gift of experiencing the fathomless magic of aging love first. It won’t disappoint.
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s February 2024 issue.
