Dear Kiki: How do I find the desire (and courage) to date?

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Hi Kiki,

I’m a 25 year old female and have never been in a relationship. Honestly, I don’t know if I have ever wanted to be. But also, maybe I just tell myself that because I haven’t? I’m not sure, but I do know that I’m scared of vulnerability and letting someone get to know me. In my head, I can’t understand how someone could like me for me and also want to be intimate in the sheets, ya know? I feel like it’s one or the other for me, which is sad. I have so many great friendships where I feel loved and valued. Why can’t I open up to someone that isn’t a friend?? I guess it scares me. I don’t want to be alone forever, but I also don’t feel like I’m in a rush to find someone. Really, I haven’t found anyone who inspires me (or if they do it’s not reciprocal). Another thing is, I’ve never been on a date (it scares me too). My question is this: how do I open myself more to the possibility of love? I think it’s a muscle I need to strengthen. Thanks for your help, Kiki.

O, Solo Mio!

Dear Solo,

Just a quick reality check, to start. You don’t need romance to lead a complete, full, truly happy life. For many individuals, it’s the core of who they are, but for others, it’s just a “nice to have” or even something to avoid. Before you beat yourself up for not being where you thought you’d be in terms of relationships at this point in your life, take some time to read up on what being aromantic looks like, and see whether anything seems familiar. Only you can determine your identity markers, but it’s worth digging deeper.

You’re exactly right about love being a muscle to strengthen. But it sounds like you’ve got that under control! You have friendships that you have put time and effort into. Romantic love isn’t much different, in terms of work. It’s just a shift of perspective.

Where it seems like you could use some work, frankly, is convincing yourself that you’re worthy of love. It’s common, I think (at least, I went through it, too, and often still do). Your self-doubt becomes projected onto another person, and you mistrust the judgment or taste of those who do see your value.

It’s in moments like this that you need to practice not love, but trust.

Think about the imperfections of those you care about. You may be blinded a bit by affection, but you know that no one is perfect. You love your friends and family despite, and in some cases because of, their imperfections. You don’t need to learn to love better; you need to learn to trust that the people who love you are just as smart and kind and discerning as you are. And here’s the kicker: You need to learn to be OK with not understanding their choices.

I don’t get why anyone would want anything to do with me, full stop. For me, when it hits bad, this extends even to friends! But the thing is, I also have friends who are obsessed with Bruce Springsteen. Friends who genuinely think that ska had a net positive influence on the music world. Just this weekend my own child complained about the music I was listening to! We accept those things as matters of taste, and that’s what this is, too. I’ve come around to the idea that I’m simply not to my taste. And that’s OK. It’s also OK that I am to the taste of others. I don’t have to understand their choice, just trust it.

You say that you struggle with opening up to “someone who isn’t a friend.” But in the best of circumstances, a romantic partner is first and foremost also a friend. That’s not to say that you need to look within your friend group for romance. But when searching for something new, start with friendship and let it blossom from there. You shouldn’t expect romance to leap full-formed into your arms. It requires cultivation and patience and a whole lot of grace.

xoxo, Kiki