Dear Kiki: Am I too freaky?

Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Dear Kiki

Dear Kiki,

I had a terrible experience recently and I don’t know what to think. I had a second date with a guy. He invited me to his apartment and cooked me dinner. It was delish, and we were having a fun, playful evening. After eating and a couple glasses of wine, we started making out on the couch.

I had brought a key lime cheesecake for dessert, and so I suggested, “Why don’t we take a little cheesecake into the bedroom and enjoy it together?” I think it’s super sexy to feed each other bites while smooching and relaxing and potentially getting undressed. Engaging all the senses, you know?

Well this guy flipped his shit and told me that my suggestion was sick and perverted and he literally made me leave. WTF????? Am I too freaky?

Signed, Cheesecake Thwarted

Illustration by Blair Gauntt

Dear Thwarted,

WTF is right! I would get into bed with nearly anyone who wanted to feed me cake—especially if the chemistry was hot. As specified in my saying “feed me cake,” I’d prefer to be fed instead of being the feeder. In fact, with cake, I’d probably be kicked out of the bed for not reciprocating the feeding. I envision myself like a baby with her face in a smash cake, which in a romantic setting, is not very sexy.

But seriously, it doesn’t sound like you’re too freaky, though perhaps you have a feeder fetish. According to Vice media’s Munchies channel, a “feeder” is a person “who experiences erotic pleasure from feeding … The act of feeding and being fed elicits conversation, forges bonds, and creates community. Food is exciting.”

Sometimes, this fetish also involves being turned on by overweight people. A feeder might enjoy aiding in their partner’s weight gain. Occasionally feeders also get sexual satisfaction from watching their partner’s stomach distend and their partner’s discomfort from being stuffed (a potential double entendre). Let’s say for the sake of this answer, you were not looking for a BDSM experience by being a dominant feeder or a submissive mouth. Why didn’t your date want to share in some cake while getting intimate?

Maybe this guy was scarred by prior feeder/feeding sexcapades. Perhaps he suffers from an eating disorder. Food could be a threat, a weakness. Or he didn’t want to feel guilty for eating and spend the rest of the night purging. Or he’s lactose intolerant and even the mention of cheese scared the shit right out of him.


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I hope you were able to take the cake with you after being so callously dismissed. Or was he hoping to have the cake and eat it, too? Sorry, bad joke. Omg, now I want cake so fucking bad. Want to come over for dinner? Chocolate cake is my favorite. Flourless chocolate cake. In bed.

— xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 236.

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