Dear Kiki: Your guide to rocking a sex-positive Halloween costume without freezing off your jibbly bits

Questions about love and sex in the city of Iowa City can be sent to Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
Questions about love and sex in the city of Iowa City can be sent to Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Dear Kiki,

I want to have a super sex-positive Halloween, but October is cold in Iowa City and skimpier costumes make me worry about frost-bitten labia. Can you help me think of a hot costume that’ll keep me warm?


Dear Kittycat,

I have some thoughts, fragments arising from the depths. First, consider the co-eds. Every weekend, not just Halloween, young people can be seen in various states of undress upon the Ped Mall despite inclement weather. In fact on any given cold day on campus you—or your West-Coast-born columnist—may be shocked at how little young folk are wearing. Part of it may be a lifelong Midwest custom, and inimitable. Part of it may be more in-the-moment and replicable. Pick a cold weekend night near Halloween and make a date downtown to do some people watching. Are they doing more than just grinning and baring?

The second thought: Why not a coat? A long wool winter coat, maybe thrifted. Or vintage fur, tho the fetish of such gives me vegetarian soulache. Why not fleece-lined tights? Why not boots, sky-high and flauntingly close-toed? Why not be the riot grrrl of my teenage daydreams and wear Docs and jeans. These suggestions make certain assumptions about how you’re living your life these days, so we come to the central thought: Planning.

Kittycat, if your goal is a) skimpy and b) not wretchedly cold, you may have to sacrifice the element of spontaneity. My answer is not a sexy storefront display of ghoulish glamor so much as an elaboration of principles, so that you may be the Sexy #PizzaRat of your dreams.

1) Where are you going? More specifically, how long will you be outside? I’m envisioning two main scenarios: the house party and the bar crawl. You need to make a choice whether you want to be warm outside or if you want to be warm outside and then not overheated inside. I am afraid the inside-outside costume doesn’t exist without costume changes.

2) How much are you going to altering your consciousness? This question is relevant because it impacts your transportation game as well your capacity for costume changes.

These are open-ended questions, and surprising answers may come to you in this process.

Anyway, some scenarios:

Inside, Sober/Still-With-Us: Honestly I’d wear what you want and either wear a long coat over with a planned shoe change or have a designated driver or taxi be a part of your universe. You will be if anything too warm.

Inside, Altered Consciousness: Wear what you want, but make sure your make up and buckles and bows are not too fussy. In this case I strongly suggest vehicular transportation because the last thing you’re going to want to do is change your shoes. However, I would honestly try to wear warm shoes and bring a coat regardless. You do not want to be stranded with exposed feet and hands.

Outside, Sober/Still-With-Us: I think there are two fundamental options here. One is to wear something short (hopefully of a warmer fabric) and layer fleece-lined tights, arm and leg warmers, etc. Another is the bodysuit: treat it like the mini-dress or the hotpants, a canvas, and layer your accessories accordingly. I think the best option would be to order a slightly larger bodysuit and layer your thermals underneath. I would maybe hide lines with a wide glittery belt or perhaps shapewear. (Tho more compression means colder.) Going as an animal may be useful for earmuffs and a straight-up muff. Either option depends on how much money you want to spend, and what you already have on-hand. Also, why on earth would you wear open-toed shoes? Boots boots boots.

Outside, Altered Consciousness: Mostly the same, but again cut down on moving parts. The bodysuit may be your friend here. Your outerwear may be more minimal here, but I would still line up a driver.

Finally, think about the vector of your sexual energy. I’ve been assuming based on the question that the sexy Halloween costume in question is skin-tight and/or skin-baring, but we can say more. If your goal is to look good, think about your style icons, figures of beauty: at least some of what they wear is going to be warm. If your goal is to pick someone up, think about what you tend to wear to do this on non-Halloween nights and what makes you confident—it may not be something that makes you shiver in the cold. If your goal is to have inventive sex with a/your partner, why not go with warm whimsy at the party and treat yourself to a little Halloween roleplay after? If a little cuckolding is part of the fun (to be seen and to still go home with so-and-so), maybe consider doing this on a warmer night. Still, if Halloween gets you going, by all means, but maybe plan on a venue with an interior? After all, this is Halloween, when dreams come true, the most wonderful time of the year. Have fun, and keep your kittycats inside! xoxo, Kiki

This article originally appeared in Little Village 186.

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