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Dear Kiki: Where can I find other BDSM enthusiasts in the Iowa City area?

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Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Illustration by Jav Ducker

Dear Kiki,

I’m a 65-year-old, semi-retired, BDSM-loving, cross-dressing, kinky, fetishy baby-boomer in decent condition. I’m not afraid to be beaten until I cry. I’m highly breast-envious. I’m just looking for someone to love and play with, but the women I’ve fallen for have never been into this stuff. I’ve been to a few shibari workshops; I met and had two moments with Midori; but right here in River City I’m not finding women of my age or any age particularly interested in kink. I believe in live and local, and I’d be delighted to find a thriving community of kink in Iowa City. I’d like to find someone and fall in love and play all the bondage and kink games we can think of. I’d like to find this before I die. Help me, Kiki!

Signed, Forlorn Kinkster Douglas

Dear Forlorn,

One of the most challenging elements of finding and maintaining love is discovering, honoring and indulging our partners’ kinks. Sometimes, some folks are lucky enough to find both love and perfect sexual synchronicity, but often, what’s required is a combination of exploration and compromise. Without those, you’re doomed before you start, because many of us continue discovering new and different kinks well into the sexually active parts of our lives. If we aren’t partnered with a person or people who are dedicated to exploration and compromise, we may never get to indulge — or the relationship may fall apart.

You say that you’ve been falling for women who aren’t “into this stuff.” Clearly, you’ve already decided you weren’t right for each other, but I’m not sure it’s for the same reason I’d say so. Everyone needs to know their clear limits and boundaries, of course, but if love and respect are the foundation of a relationship, that should also come with a desire to help your partner find sexual fulfilment, even if your kinks don’t align. That’s necessarily reciprocal, of course — I would hope that you are open to being flexible in regard to your partners’ idiosyncrasies as well.

All that said, it’s always easier if you’re starting from some common baseline of acceptance, isn’t it? While I don’t think you should give up on finding love outside the BDSM community, the desire to find a place where you fit and can speak a common language is strong, even aside from finding more permanent romantic relationships. I haven’t been able to track down anything for you in Iowa City (maybe our readers can help you out?!), but there are a couple of options nearby worth exploring. I don’t know how active they are, but subscribing and reaching out are good first steps.

In the Quad Cities, just 45 minutes east, there’s a group called Riverbound (thewellofurd.com/riverbound_wp). They look to have a listserv you can join, and regular meetups. If you prefer to go west, young man, just two hours’ drive will take you to Des Moines and a group called CIPEX (Central Iowa Power Exchange, cipex.org). They also have an email list as well as a contact form. Just to the north, there at least used to be an organization called CROP (Cedar Rapids Organization of Perverts), but I can’t find any active links for them. You might have some luck on FetLife. You could always start your own group, too!

I hope you find what you’re seeking, Forlorn.

xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 265.


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