Dear Kiki: My husband’s sex drive has halted

Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Dear Kiki

Dear Kiki,

My sex life is dead and I’d like to revive it! I’m middle-aged and married for more than 15 years. My husband’s sex drive has been waning for years, but the past couple of years have brought things to a screeching halt. I mean, we are literally getting it on one to two times a year at this point. He seems totally unconcerned by this and is uninterested in trying the little blue pill. I’ve talked with him many times about my frustration with the status quo and even mentioned the idea of an open marriage if he is done with sex, but I might as well be talking to a wall! Help!!!

Sexless on the Southside

Dear Sexless,

Excuse me while I sigh — a long, deep sigh. I was in your exact passionless position during my mid-to-late thirties. Living like roommates with your spouse is not a pleasurable position to be in. After going years with only a handful of notches on our bedpost, the marriage fizzled. Although there were more issues than the lack of sex, not having it was a giant downer. Your concern is prudent and reaching out shows a desire for change—which, if achieved, could preserve your marriage, alter it or end it.

A good start would be to do some research and some soul-searching. If you haven’t already, find some online forums; even if you do not participate, the discussions could provide you with camaraderie and advice. It’s estimated that 15-20 percent of couples are not getting it on, and the number is probably higher because it’s not an easy issue to admit, so you will easily find similar stories and lots of lonely people.

The next step is not an easy one. You need to be completely honest with yourself and explore why your relationship devolved to this. Yes, long-term monogamy, stress in a marriage and children are intrinsically buzz kills to sex. Scheduling in quickies and date nights where children aren’t present can make sex seem like a chore. Long gone are the days and nights of multiple, marathon fucking sessions. Are you or your partner involved with someone else in such a way that it would distract you or him from the marriage? You mentioned the blue pill: Would his increased interest in sex be the magic elixir?

If this dry spell is not just about him getting his mojo back, you both might be able to fulfill your sexual needs in an open marriage, but that brings about a host of complicated issues: boundaries, infidelity, jealousy, multiple sexual partners who may or may not be known to all involved. Here again, research nonmonogamy and have clear communication in your marriage and other relationships if this is the sex you choose to explore.

Finally, would you be willing to admit your marriage might be over? For me, my best sexual experiences have happened since getting divorced. However, getting a divorce was the most difficult thing I’ve done, especially since we were great partners and parents otherwise. But in the last five years as a single MILF (lol), I have had the best sex of my life. Did I sacrifice a traditional family and financial stability for it? Fuck yes, I did.

You know you deserve a hotter sex life. Go get it, girl!


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–xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 227.

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