Dear Kiki: Is she just not that into me?

Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Illustration by Jav Ducker

Hey Kiki,

I met this girl and she’s amazing. I wasn’t sure if she was into me, but we slept together. Thing is, she has a lot of friends and suitors and I don’t know if I make the cut. I don’t have the money to take her out and I felt bad when she paid last time. Now I’m thinking I have lost her because the only time we communicate is when I text her and she seems like she’s being nice. The old school model says to swoop in and try to win the girl, but it’s 2018 — should I just let it go?

— Stuart Smalley

Dear Smalley,

As much as I don’t want to say this, it seems she’s just not that into you. Sorry. I completely understand how you must be feeling: falling for someone amazing, having sex, wanting to be with her, yet having feelings of inadequacy — not being cool enough, not having enough money, too much competition. Here’s the thing though, no matter what you bring or don’t bring to the table, if she really wanted to be with you, she’d be texting, calling and asking to see you. At least, that’s how I’ve behaved with men I’ve wanted, sometimes successfully.

But — more times than I’d like to admit — I’ve also tried way too hard with guys who don’t want me. I would suggest not persisting if she isn’t reciprocating, especially because this isn’t the old school days when if a little boy was bugging a little girl, it was because he liked her. Since you haven’t revealed your gender identity, I do not want to presume you are a man and discuss the sexual politics of Me Too, Time’s Up and the pervasive sexual harassment, assault, rape and countless experiences of heterosexual sex without her explicit consent that women have dealt with throughout history and still today. I am not implying you are harassing her or that it’s only men who harass women; however, it’s important to raise the question of flirting versus harassing.

Regardless though, no one likes to be rejected. I suggest that you lay low. By doing so, you’ll seem mysterious and probably get her attention, which means she’ll think about you. Then you might hear from her, and who knows? She could become your girlfriend, or a friend with benefits, or just a friend. Any of those are worthwhile if done well, and you are good enough.

Good luck!

— xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 239.


  1. One thing grownups know. If someone wants you, they’ll feel compelled to put in some effort. They’ll woo. They’ll at least give it a try, and face the possibility of that thing we all hate, rejection. If rejected, they’ll move on. Because, again, grown.
    Half assing it gets you nothing in life, because honestly, you don’t really care either way, do you? We might get rewarded with less than the effort we put in, but rarely more.
    Totally fine, but if that’s the case, never wonder why you didn’t get the girl. Or anything else.

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