I might be too reliant on fantasizing during sex. When I’m engaged in these super hot private erotic narratives, separate from the connection I have with my partner, I know I’m not being fully present with them. Plus it just feels like a crutch since fantasizing is what helps get me there most reliably. Naturally orgasm is a big part of our mutual experience and shared satisfaction so I’m reluctant to put it on the back burner while I explore other routes. Do you have advice for getting out of the fantasy trap in ways that still… work? I think my partner and I both want and deserve a deeper sexual, physical and emotional connection, but we also don’t have all day.
—Time’s a-Wastin’
Dear Time’s a-Wastin’,
I hear you! The days are short and the nights are shorter, aren’t they? Here’s the thing, though, Wastin’ — I think your partner and you “both want and deserve a deeper sexual, physical and emotional connection.” So while it’s difficult to carve out time for each other, that may be exactly what you have to do.
Not for every encounter, of course. But even just an occasional re-connect can help build your quickies into something more satisfying. Try to schedule a weekend away. To allow for it, save up time the same way you’d save up money: Work a little extra each day, on basic household chores and pet projects as well as at your day job, so that you can truly isolate and lavish each other with attention without any lingering guilt or stray phone reminders.
This won’t solve all your problems, Wastin’, but resetting to this baseline once a month or even just a couple of times a year can make a big difference in your day-to-day dalliances.
In the meantime, here are some fun tactics to try:
Build your partner into your fantasies. This is especially useful when you’re flying solo. Next time you’re masturbating, think of your partner in addition to your usual imaginings. What’s awesome about this is you will naturally hone in on the traits and habits you find most attractive about them. Then, you can ask for those things specifically when you’re together.
Expand your definition of foreplay. Your time together doesn’t necessarily start in the bedroom. Snap a naughty picture during the workday and send it to them. Write a scandalous note and slip it into their lunchbox. Record a voice memo in the middle of the night and schedule it to send to their phone just before you get home at the end of the day. Sexytime is all the time, when you’re sexy.
Experiment with sensory deprivation. Taking away one sense always serves to heighten the others, bringing you more fully into each other’s presence in unexpected ways. Put on a basic blindfold, then have your partner focus on touching you or whispering to you. Or don noise-canceling headphones. It might be that you rely on fantasy because you get easily distracted; these tricks will help keep distraction at bay.
Use it then lose it. Instead of ditching the fantasizing altogether, try just setting it aside once it’s done its job. In the final few moments of the throes of ecstasy, grab your partner’s face and look directly into their eyes. Hold their gaze as you both enjoy your denouement. Giving each other even that brief stretch of time can greatly deepen your intimacy.
Happy exploring!
xoxo, Kiki
Submit questions anonymously at littlevillagemag.com/dearkiki or to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear in print and online at littlevillagemag.com.
This article was originally published in Little Village’s July 2026 issue.
