Dear Kiki: I can’t stop fantasizing about having a hot, no-strings-attached affair

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Illustration by Jav Ducker

Dear Kiki,

I’ve noticed lately that normal monthly ovulation-related horniness manifests as a really strong desire to screw around on my partner. It drives me to distraction and I enjoy every second! I feel like I’d risk it all in the span of two days just to screw around for a good time. The hunt! The escape! The danger! The hot, no-strings-attached sex! I want that. What to do? Redirecting toward my partner would be physically satisfying enough, buuuuut it’s not really what I’m after. And I want no consequences, of course!

—Horny Hunter

Dear Hunter,

Right out the gate I want to put to bed (heh heh) the notion that monogamy is for everyone, or even that monogamy is or should be the default. The quick and dirty answer to your dilemma is to go for it. If you want to keep your current partner, you’d need their consent, of course—ethics aside, the more frequently you actually cheated, the more likely you’d be to get caught—but if you really want the thrill of the chase, that’s not off the table for you.

Raising the question of ethical non-monogamy in a relationship can be tricky, so let’s see this thread through to the end before I offer other solutions. The first step is to get right with yourselaf and your intentions. Know how far you’re willing to push. Is your ultimate goal to get what you want, or is your ultimate goal to preserve your relationship?

Illustration by Claire Theole

If it’s the latter, know that there is a chance your partner will just say no, and you will have to respect that. Don’t badger, don’t harass, and for crying out loud if your partner identifies as male, don’t insult his manhood (“What do you mean you don’t want to sleep around?! You’re a guy!”).

If your partner is open to the conversation, know that there are options, and stepping into this world requires seemingly infinite amounts of communication and trust. Offer assurances of your commitment. Know your limits: Is this fun only, or are you open to one of you dating someone? What is the plan of action if one of you changes your mind down the road? Be expansive; cover all bases.

If one of you isn’t into this idea, you do have other options—but they also require deep trust. You can go out and party and flirt and get all riled up, either at a strip club or anywhere you feel safe, and return home to indulge with your partner physically only. You could also work together with your partner to role play situations like these, up to and including full-on costumes and makeup so you feel like strangers to each other.

Ultimately, there’s two widely disparate things to remember. One: Your needs are valuable and genuine and deserve attention, and part of being in a relationship is facilitating each other’s needs. Two: Your partner is an independent person with limits of their own, and you do not have the right to make demands or ultimatums that hinge the relationship on fulfillment of your needs.

Finding the fine line between those two truths is difficult. But if the relationship is worth it, then the challenge is worth it, and working through it together will make you stronger. Good luck!

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 277.

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