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Dear Kiki: Grandma won’t stop asking about BDSM


Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Dear Kiki

Dear Kiki,

My grandmother (whom I love very much) went to the latest Fifty Shades movie with her gal pals recently, and since then she’s expressed a gradually growing interest in the workings of BDSM and the BDSM community. Because we are gay, and therefore presumably into every kink under the sun, my partner and I are her go-to source on the subject. She’s always bringing it up, and it makes us very uncomfortable. What’s more, my partner and I are actually very vanilla in the bedroom, so we aren’t really much help to her anyway. We’d like her to stop asking about it. How can I crack the whip — Er, put the boot down — Er, find some way to put an end to the matter, without being rude to Nana?

— An Unsettled Grandson

Dear Unsettled,

First of all, let me just say, “Giddy up, Grandma!” However, I can relate to the awkwardness of knowing too much about a family member. It reminds me of the time I found a novella on bestiality while at my aunt and uncle’s house. As a little girl, the realization that a woman would reward her Doberman by letting the dog lick peanut butter from her pussy shocked and embarrassed me. I never looked at my aunt and uncle — or their pets — the same way again.

While you and your partner can support her newfound sexual exploration, you do not have to be “in the position” of educating her. Grandma obviously trusts you, though; since she has witnessed you living with the cultural oppression of homosexuality, she now wants to find acceptance of her own desires with someone who can understand.

Personally, I am a fan of consensual deviant sexual behaviors, but there are hard and soft limits on who I want to share or discuss them with. Let her know that you are proud of her willingness to surrender and accept this growing interest, but you would like to refrain from knowing the nitty gritty.

When it’s time to pull out your safe word, remind Grandma that yours is “vanilla.”

— xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 226.

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