Hey girl. I enjoy sex and I am horny a lot, but I always struggle with staying in the mood during sex or even getting aroused enough that it feels somewhat good. Hook-ups terrify me, and in all of the relationships that I have been in, my partner always dumps me after we get to the sex part. Do I suck at sex? My partners have always wanted me to do more with my body, but if I focus on my movements, my brain goes into work mode and I dry up. For me, sex is a performance and I am the center-stage actrex. I am a wonderful actrex, don’t get me wrong, but it’s exhausting. Kiki, what do I do?
Dear Center Stage,
It sounds like there are a couple of different layers to your issues here. I’m curious about the conflict between the idea that you are a wonderful actrex, yet you wonder whether you suck at sex. You’re caught between the questions of whether you’re capable or you’re willing, and in order to solve your problem, you need to decide which problem you want to address.
Sex is work, just like relationships are work. Now, this isn’t some bullshit “lie back and think of England” argument. Of course you should be having fun and getting off just as much as your partner should. But the performance aspect is absolutely real, and can easily lead to you getting stuck in your head. Since we’re comparing it to acting, though, it’s worth remembering that acting is telling the truth. In order to put on a show, you genuinely need to get vulnerable and intimate.
That’s easier said than done, of course. But getting out of your head isn’t antithetical to performing, it’s intrinsic and vital. If movement is tripping you up, try some non-bedroom tricks to help your body and mind align: dance, martial arts and yoga all explicitly help you confront and overcome the sense of division you describe. That’s why going out dancing is a great date option: Not only does it help you sync your own mind and body, but it allows you and your date to figure out how you move together.
If your performance anxiety is deeper than that, it might be worth talking with a sex therapist about ways to conquer it.
Willingness is another thing entirely. One thing that stands out to me is that when you talk about “sex,” you seem to be talking about a single one-and-done sex act, presumably single-session PIV. If that’s the case, it’s no wonder you’re not willing to sacrifice just so your partner can get theirs! You say you enjoy sex, but the kind of sex you’re having doesn’t seem to be bringing you much joy. Center Stage, you need to diversify your portfolio.
There should be plenty of opportunity during an evening of intimacy for both you and your partner to be satisfied, multiple times and in a wide variety of different ways. It’s a nice feeling to cum at the same time, but it’s not the be-all, end-all. If you’re putting on a show, your partner damn well be willing to do the same. Trust and intimacy are crucial (yes, even just with a hookup), and those can’t happen if your partner is content to roll over and go to sleep after they’ve gotten off, knowing that you haven’t.
Hell, have them please you first, as part of the anticipation for the blown mind they’re about to receive. Get creative, get curious and demand they do the same. Just because sex is work doesn’t mean you can’t love your job. You’ve got to fight for the good time you deserve!
Submit your question to Kiki, LV’s sex advice columnist. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
This article was originally published in Little Village’s September 2026 issue.
