Dear Kiki: Do I need to tell the guy I’m seeing that he was my first time?

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Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Illustration by Jav Ducker

Dear Kiki,

I recently got intimate for the first time with a guy that I had been seeing for about a month. However, this wasn’t just our first time getting intimate together. It was also my first time having sex with anyone. While I made it clear that I was inexperienced, I didn’t outright tell him that I was a virgin. Now I’m wondering if that was a bad decision. What if he asks me about my past experiences? I wouldn’t ever lie to him if he asks me, but i’m also worried he might be upset that I didn’t tell him beforehand. I personally didn’t feel the need to tell him beforehand. I didn’t want him to feel pressured or for him to think that I had been waiting for “the one.” Realistically, I just haven’t dated many guys and hadn’t found anyone that I liked enough to have sex with. Should I bring it up to him? Should I wait to see if he asks about my past?

–My First Time

Dear First,

Although you didn’t divulge, I hope your first time was uh-mazing! Since you did not mention how long you’ve been dating, or how long you hope to date this person, I will share with you my MO. I play my cards close to my chest until I am in a relationship that deserves my intimate details. There isn’t a lot more humiliating than to start pouring your heart out to someone who really doesn’t give a shit. If, however, when/if this becomes a mutually loving and honest relationship, I’m sure the right time will present itself sooner than later. Don’t be embarrassed or feel like you’re keeping something from him. Your sexual history is your business. Period. You only share what you want to share. I do hope this is the beginning of a fulfilling sexual life for you—which is something we all deserve.

–Xoxo, Kiki

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