Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Dear Kiki,

Is it better to be fully yourself, or a restrained version of yourself, if you are “a lot” to make people around you more comfortable?

–Too Much Information

Dear Information,

You could never be “too much!” You are exactly who you are and that is definitively just right.

Of course, platitudes you’ve heard a hundred times aren’t very helpful in addressing your quite serious question, are they? It’s a situation your ol’ pal Kiki has been in time and time again, so this hits hard.

The easy answer — the true answer — is that everyone should always strive to be unequivocally, unabashedly themselves. Frankly, the ability to do so is something not many people possess, and the reasons have little to do with an explicit or intentional desire to appease or placate others. Humans are social creatures. And also, humans are nothing more than a stack of swirling clouds of anxiety in a trench coat. It can be hard, sometimes, for humans to even determine where “who they are” ends and society begins. To define yourself with clarity is a gift.

There will always be people who think you are “a lot.” In many cases it comes from a place of confusion or even anger over your ability to live authentically, when that skill eludes them. “Why can’t Information just blend in like I’ve always felt required to?” You’re like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day: temporarily blinding, and a threat to the clouds who know you might burn them away.

However, it’s important to note how beautiful it is that part of who you are is “a person who cares about the comfort of others.” Not just “cares,” but cares enough to consider dulling your shine. Listen to that impulse, but don’t let it control you. Check in occasionally with the people who matter most to you: Be aware of, but not beholden to, them. Ask what their capacity is in that moment, and dial things back a bit if they’re struggling (usually for reasons that are mostly about them: having a bad day, off their meds, etc). Just don’t make reticence your default mode.

Another factor, of course, is being aware of neurodivergence around you. If you’re considered “a lot” because, say, you’re an effusive hugger, then holding back around people who are touch averse isn’t minimizing yourself so much as it is making space for others. Same with reining in a tendency to interrupt when engaging those who struggle with focus. We all should have the privilege of navigating the world safely in our own boat of social coping mechanisms.

It can take deep situational awareness to tell whether someone is annoyed, lazy and not respecting you or if they’re struggling as much with your behavior as you’re struggling to stifle it. It’s not easy and you’ll probably get it wrong a few times, and that’s okay. But don’t make it a habit to restrain yourself just because some people can’t hang. Eventually, you’ll find the ones who can. And your relationship with them will be stronger for your forthrightness.

xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village’s August 2023 issue.