Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: Where to camp and what to wear at the 2016 Mission Creek Festival

Pro Tips
Behold: A wealth of knowledge awaits those who seek guidance from oracle Wayne Diamante.

Dear Wayne,

I’ll be attending the Mission Creek Festival this year and I’m wondering if you can provide me with some tips for finding reasonably priced accommodation near downtown.

Thanks, Bernice


Tip #1: You should have taken care of this a long time ago. Tip #2: You need to get your act together. Look, the Ped Mall is going to fill up quickly, so you’re going to need to get here two, maybe three days in advance and stake out a claim. Don’t worry about finding the best spot to pitch your tent, just find a spot. There’s a lot of horse-trading that goes on, so for a couple loose cigarettes, some Benadryl and a jar of Pruno, you’ll likely be able to parlay your site into something closer to the alley, which is where you’ll want to be if you’re into drifters and urine. If that’s not your thing, alleys I mean, there’s always College Green Park. Plenty of drifters and urine there too, but it has more of a “nature” vibe. Enjoy the shows! –W

Dear Wayne,

It’s recently struck me just how tightly fitting the people’s clothes all are these days. Not just for the gals with the, what are they, the yoga clothes? And the running tights and the slacks and what have you, but fellas, too. With these “skinny” pants and the lumberjack beards and the t-shirts that are too small and these crazy haircuts! My god, have you seen all these haircuts? None of the lumberjacks I know would be caught DEAD in pants that tight. It’s impractical. What happened to normal clothes for normal people with normal haircuts? Has the whole world gone topsy-turvy?

Concerned, Gene Schwartz

Dear Gene,

You’re not wrong. For years now, people on the whole have been wearing clothes that fit more snuggly than perhaps you’re accustomed to. Part of this is due to the ever-expanding palette of natural and synthetic fibers textile manufacturers are able to draw from, but it’s also a cultural phenomenon and I predict it’s here to stay. Just have a look at nearly any science-fiction portrayal of the future. It’s all unitards and jumpsuits, Gene, for everyone, all the time. Like it or not, there are going to be a lot of young people in town for Mission Creek (it’s like a Christian youth gathering, or something) soon, and some of them are going to be wearing unitards and jumpsuits. The thing is, Gene, part of aging gracefully and happily is anchored in the maintenance of your cultural relevancy. If you don’t stay in touch with the times you’ll soon find yourself adrift in a world that’s moved on without you. Trust me, at that point it’s just a broken hip and some bedsores before it’s off to the Soylent Green factory. So I’d go ahead and order that spandex onesie now. You’ll be ahead of the curve, but not for long. –W

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 196.