Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: Lifetime Network fan fiction and restroom stage fright

Season’s Greetings dear friends! It looks like it’s “that time of the month” for Little Village — the time for Pro-Tips with Wayne Diamante! My goodness there’s a lot going on: cold and flu season, the holidays and cold and flu season. Have you been washing your hands? Did you get a flu shot? HAVE YOU SEALED YOUR BUBBLE?!?! If you don’t have a bubble don’t worry about getting one, it’s already too late. I’ve been in mine since October and will emerge no earlier than the last week of April. If you weren’t using a rebreather three weeks ago you’re already a flu zombie: Don’t touch my stuff. But if you have a question, or would like “advice,” let me know at askwaynediamante@gmail.com.

Dear Wayne,

My husband and I are celebrating Christmas and I’d really like to do something special. He doesn’t like travel or dining out, so I’m thinking something sexy, any ideas?

Thanks, 
Charity

Dear Charity,

These days, the hottest thing in sexy is vajazzling. For the uninitiated, to vajazzle is to have one’s mons Venus waxed and then bejeweled with a crystal appliqué in a fancy pattern that reflects your personality. For example, maybe you’re into politics? You could get a donkey, or an elephant, or a Peeing Calvin peeing on something you want to disrespect. It might seem a little weird, at first, to have a sinister Calvin peeing on something above your vuh-jay-jay, but that’s politics for you. Some of the gentlemen out there might be thinking, “Gee, ladies get to have all the fun.” I mean, you can’t exactly jewel up the peen, you know, for practical considerations. Well, never fear! As of today, I am launching my own line of genital marqueterie called Boodazzle. That’s right, your husbo can wax his ass crack and rosebud and Boodazzle it to his heart’s content. For as little as 30 dollars and an awkward afternoon in front of a mirror, his tradesman’s entrance will look like the disco he’s always imagined it to be.

Wayne

Dear Wayne,

I often have trouble peeing in front of other people at urinals. Is that weird? Do you have any advice on overcoming this?

Sincerely, 
Jim

Dear Jim,

Totally not weird. It’s called stage fright and it happens all the time to different people in different situations. Itis a type of performance anxiety and the best way to overcome it is to stand your ground and face it. Every time you use a urinal you should drop your pants to your knees, extend your arms and make double pistol-fingers at your penis and calmly, confidently declare “Showtime.” Maybe you pee, maybe not, but whatever happens it will be on your own terms.

Wayne

Dear Wayne,

I’m looking for a hobby. Something not too involved, and definitely nothing with a lot of equipment. Also, I like sitting. Sometimes I cry. Any ideas?

Wendy

Dear Wendy,

Fortunately for advice columnists, most people are pretty plain and have relatively simple problems; however, you are a real gem. I have the solution for your oddly specific problem: Lifetime Network fan fiction. It’s perfect for shut-ins with active imaginations. Here, let’s get started:

Good looking (lawyer/doctor/drifter) (Vanessa/Rick) has a (heartbreaking/secret/troubled) past and wants to (start over/lay low/find next victim) in a small town in New England. (He/She) (falls in love with/finds next victim in/is murdered by) a local shopkeeper. It is also Christmas time.

Wendy, that literally took me 30 seconds to write and it’s enough drama for, well, a lifetime. If that doesn’t do it for you, there is marching band fan fiction. Look into it.

Wayne