If you’re reading this, I congratulate you on surviving January 2014, the coldest month in the history of everything. Your prize, you hearty few, is the warm glow you get in your innards when reading Pro-Tips with Wayne Diamante! February has a lot going for it, at least celebration-wise. We’ve got Black History Month going on, National Bird-Feeding Month, Presidents’ Day and don’t forget the feast of St. Valentine. However, if this February turns out like it should, it’s probably pretty shitty outside. Thus, I officially designate February “National Sweatpants Month.” Everyone gets the month off to stay inside and sit around in sweatpants, focus on some African-American history, plan out a bird-feeding schedule and send valentines to loved ones.
If you don’t have a special someone, take the opportunity to spark up a new romance! A jaded few might consider the confines of a sofa and sweatpants as a hindrance toward that end: My advice is to fire up the old internet dating machine and turn that couch into a love seat. No matter who—or what—you fancy there’s an internet dating site for you. Head on over to ChristianSingles.com, or FarmersMaybe.com, or, for those of you in areas of particularly low diversity and wishing to kill two birds with one stone, MeetBlackPeople.com.
However you choose to spend your February, if you find yourself with a question, need advice or have a problem that medical professionals can’t—or won’t—solve, email me at askwaynediamante@gmail.com and I’ll do my best to tell you what your problem is.
Dear Wayne,
I have some friends who have taken the liberty of setting me up on a blind date. Any ideas as to what I should do or say to make things go smoothly?
Thanks,
Randy
Randy,
I’m going to assume the “friends” you speak of are almost certainly a couple. How do I know? Because couples are assholes. Only assholes would think that combining the anxiety of a job interview with the prospect of romance—along with the pressure of wanting to make a good impression on a total stranger you supposedly have “a lot in common with”—is a good idea. Here’s my advice: Talk about what huge assholes your mutual friends are. Nothing brings people together like hating the same things.
Good Luck,
Wayne
Dear Wayne,
This may come across as premature, but I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do now to prepare for the impending gnat and mosquito explosion. Last spring was so terrible; when the time comes, I want to be ready.
Sincerely,
Claire
Claire,
I do recall last year’s gnat infestation, and like you, I’ve been thinking about how to deal with it this spring. In 2013, I spent over $3,000 on box fans that I then placed strategically around my yard hoping they would blow the bugs away. It worked OK, but it was loud and the neighbor’s kid lost a few fingers due to careless behavior. I’ve had all winter to do some fine-tuning, and I think you’ll be impressed.
The BugJuicer Mk V operates on existing box fan and juicer platforms, yet incorporates novel technologies in innovative ways, creating a synergistic approach to insecticide. Essentially, the Mk V is a 400 HP, 11-foot square, mirror-bladed bug chopper. I’m still in the testing phase, but I can tell you this: For as far as you can throw a bowling ball, bugs and other curious animals weighing less than 25 lbs stand absolutely no chance against the Mk V. The results are both impressive and appalling. It’s open source; I’ll send you the plans.
Best,
Wayne
