I’ve always been interested in having relationships with others but due to a myriad of mental health struggles (autism, severe depression and anxiety, among other things) I’ve never really “understood” how to connect with others or simply even put myself out there (other people are terrifying!). It’s a struggle to figure out what others are even thinking or how to approach them in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling completely drained and depressed afterwards. Is there a way to push past all this and form deeper connections with others, or am I doomed to never figure out the whole social thing?
—An ND Enby
Dear ND Enby,
I’m gonna challenge your perspective here for a second. I sincerely hope that you are so blessed as to “never figure out the whole social thing.”
Not all of us are wired the same, and in my experience, that’s a very good thing indeed. When I’m in a group situation where communication styles are too much in sync, I begin to feel trapped, like I’m on a train going full speed with no conductor. Without a variety of perspectives and modes of thinking, no one challenges any faulty logic or lazy assumptions. There’s no growth and no revelation. In one-on-one conversations, although that sense of being simpatico is a heady rush at first, in the long run, you might as well be talking to yourself.
It can often seem like the neurotypical way of interacting socially is the “right” way. But as you’ve discovered, it’s mentally and emotionally exhausting for anyone who is neurodivergent. And the only people who reap any benefit from assimilation are the neurotypicals, because of course it can make their day-to-day lives simpler in the short term. But ultimately, I contend that normalizing any single way of interacting is a detriment to all.
Worse still, for NDs, the NT way seldom leads to those deeper connections we all crave. If you master the intricate dance of social maneuvering that NTs have been steeped in their whole lives, you’re likely to feel like the bulk of your attention is always on the choreography, and not on the other person. It can feel a lot like surfing a wave instead of swimming in the ocean. If you’re determined, I’m sure you can accomplish it. But it’s unlikely to lead to full immersion into the lives of others.
But you didn’t write in just so I could have an excuse to rail against the inefficiency of social norms. What you need to know, ND Enby, is that you’re not alone. The way that NTs move through the world can make it seem like you are, because their social style explicitly erases stray marks and smooths rough edges. That’s how they feel safe. But there’s a wider world out there.
My advice? Stop trying to understand others, and try to better understand yourself. Push the limits of your anxieties and inch outside your comfort zone. A good therapist can help you safely face your fears. People are terrifying, but that in itself is not insurmountable. Sometimes, putting yourself out there is a matter of learning to enjoy your own company. Go alone to events that pique your interest, and practice being your whole self while you’re there. When you give up trying to restrict yourself based on other people’s standards of interaction, you’ll start to find the people who will like you for you, instead of for who you can present as. That’s when deeper connections can finally form.
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s August 2026 issue.
