Dear Kiki: I’m a UI freshman and dating is complicated

Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City-Cedar Rapids area can be submitted to, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Illustration by Jav Ducker


My name is Jay, I am a freshman at the University of Iowa.

There was a girl I thought was cute so I asked her out on a date for some boba tea, and we even went back to my dorm room to watch some Batman cartoon that I love a lot. It’s a musical episode where the villain is Neil Patrick Harris and his voice mind-controls people and he takes over the world to make him rich.

I kinda didn’t hit it off beyond that, but here is my question for you. Another girl from the class asked me out. I went out on the date and we hit it off, I think. We laughed and agreed on some stuff I think is important. But at the beginning of the date I said, “Hey, I think we should start as friends, and if we want more we can move towards that if we want to.”

I said this in part because we hadn’t talked outside of the setting up of the date that got set back. Also because I wanted to wait for a more genuine connection, and I think it was there but I wanted to not have it be one date and then, wham, whole relationship with the expectation of romance and sex and being dedicated to one person again. The question being: Was it the right move to say, “Hey this is not a date”?

Jay Harrison

P.S. I will only remain anonymous if you can give me a name that is as cute and punny as Miles Apart.

Dear Jay Harrison, freshman at the University of Iowa,

Stop dating; there’s a pandemic on! OMG! Find your soulmate when it’s NOT literally dangerous to breathe in one another’s breath. While you’re biding your time, you can look up for me what series and episode of Batman featured NPH, because it’s pretty important that I have that information.

Setting aside the circumstances (SIGH), yes. Being emotionally honest is always the right choice. If you aren’t ready for commitment, it’s a waste of both your time to pretend you are. And if she feels differently, then maybe you don’t agree on as much important stuff as you thought.

xoxo, Kiki

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