Submit your question to Kiki, LV’s sex and relationship advice columnist. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Dear Kiki, 

I want to get better at dirty talking with lovers but I’m embarrassed to try. Do you have any advice on getting more comfortable with saying things that play in my head out loud? I wondered if there are any games or role playing exercises that could help and thought you might know. Thanks for your help; I really enjoy the column! 

—Wicked but Wary

Dear Wicked but Wary,

Oooh, dirty talk is fun! It’s true, though, Wicked, that there’s no way around the adjustment period. You will feel awkward at the start. But once you get the hang of it, you’ll be glad you pushed through the initial weirdness. Start small: You can ease your way into dirty talk just by practicing radical consent. Asking, “May I kiss your neck?” or “Would you like me to touch your inner thigh?” can be deeply erotic.

And yes, there are some quick-start ideas you can try. A wide variety of dirty dice exist, allowing you to roll up (and talk about) creative positions or match body parts to sexy actions. You can seek out someone to sext with (it might be easier to focus on words when there’s nothing else available). You can play party games like Never Have I Ever or Truth or Dare.

However you get started, you can chart a path to success by practicing Kiki’s Three Pillars of Filth: Authenticity. Curiosity. Reciprocity.

Being authentic is paramount to all play. With dirty talk specifically, if you try too hard to emulate examples you’ve heard in movies or from previous partners, you’re likely to get stuck in your head. Not only will it feel fake, but you’ll be less able to get caught up in the moment yourself. It’s nearly impossible to have your mind blown when your brain won’t shut up. 

Try leaning into your discomfort. Remember, humor is sexy! If you feel ridiculous, act ridiculous. Make it silly. Laugh at yourself, and encourage your partner to laugh with you. Most importantly, be honest. Don’t try to act cool if that’s not how you’re feeling. You can’t connect with someone if you’re holding parts of yourself back, and connection is crucial to shared pleasure.

That brings us to curiosity. Look, Wicked, bottom line is, you’re not talking dirty for your own benefit, right? If you’re trying to please someone, get curious about what the other party wants to hear. It’ll be different for everyone, and trial and error are to be expected. Pay close attention to the way your lover reacts. Don’t beat yourself up if they’re not feeling it; try something else. 

Pay attention outside the bedroom, too. You never know when you’ll catch their eye lingering on a stranger or hear them let out a little gasp at a movie scene — clues you can use the next time you’re getting intimate. Also? You can just ask. Remember, honesty is sexy! There are things that are tricky to discover organically. And even if we’re talking one-night stand territory, those conversations are vital, valuable and viscerally titillating! 

They’re especially enticing when you’re able to talk about what you want, too. That’s where reciprocity comes in. It’s not just about you getting yours in return, although that’s always important. When it comes to dirty talk, Wicked, it’s all about shared intimacy. For you to excel, you need your partner to be vulnerable with you about what turns them on. They’re more likely to do that if you’re willing to reciprocate.

Establish a safe, open environment by proffering your own pleasure preferences. Remember, confidence is sexy! Don’t make demands, unless that’s part of your dynamic — just let them know that you’d like them to, say, whisper in your ear how your skin feels while they’re touching it (or whatever gives you shivers). Even if they’re not comfortable doing so, they’ll be more comfortable opening up with you about their desires.

Have fun with your aural oral adventures!

xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village’s January 2025 issue.