I don’t know what to do. Me (25M) and my gf (24F) broke up two months ago because she was moving back to Des Moines to be with her family. We were both living in Pennsylvania at the time and we both graduated college last year and that phase of our lives was coming to an end. We had what felt like true love. We both came from toxic relationships and never treated each other with anything but love and respect.
When we broke up she asked me for a week of no contact so we didn’t just get back together. During that week I wrote her a letter telling her I loved her and I wanted to move to start my new life in a new city and be with her. She told me it was a lot to handle and she needed to think about it. During that week I was so anxious I started applying for jobs in the area just because I was scared and didn’t know what to do. I have an art degree and it’s tough to find full time jobs in my field.
A week after reading my letter she told me it is very hard for her to come to the conclusion she came to because she still has feelings for me and loves me but it was also very difficult for her to make the decision to break up in the first place and she was scared to go back on her decision so soon. Then the next day I applied for jobs all over the country. Two days later, I have my first interview for a company here in DSM. A week later they offer me the job. I tell her about it a couple days after signing my offer letter and she says she is excited and proud of me. She tells me her family will be excited that I am moving to DSM as well.
She also says she feels like she still needs space to find out what she wants as an individual before she can recommit to a relationship. I told her I am still in love with her and I have accepted that the only way I can show her I love her is to give her the space she has requested from me. I also told her I wasn’t ready to let go of what we had and she didn’t tell me to throw it away. I’ve lived here in Iowa for a month now and we did go to the botanical garden last week, she made it clear it was as friends. It felt incredibly platonic and I cried as soon as I dropped her off at home. I don’t know how long I can wait for her, I don’t know how long it will take for her to figure out whatever she needs to figure out. I don’t know what to do.
We are supposed to hang out again this week and I think if I can just keep having positive experiences with her then we can get back together but I’m terrified of being friend-zoned. It would be really easy if she just told me that it’s not going to happen. It would really hurt but at least then I could move on. She keeps saying she’s not ready to date right now but things could change. So I feel like this love is worth waiting on. I do love her and I’m hoping once all of the emotions about moving home start to settle we can find each other again.
—Transplanted Love
Dear Transplanted Love,
Unless I’m reading you incorrectly, you start this whole query off by saying that she asked you for a week of no contact, and instead you wrote (and sent) her a letter.
Let me give it to you straight: That’s some bullshit. If you can’t respect her boundaries, then frankly? You’d be lucky to be friend-zoned. I know it can be overwhelming to leap into post-collegiate life on your own. Every choice you’ve made since then seems reasonable, and I hope you’ll find joy here in Iowa. But with that dismissal of her request as an opening salvo, Transplanted, you don’t seem to have a leg to stand on.
You say you both came to each other out of separate toxic relationships. Do yourself a favor and research the concept of trauma bonding. While it’s wonderful that you made better choices together than you had with your previous partners, the toxicity you experienced is likely still tainting your interactions, with each other and beyond. Finding a good therapist to help you process your toxic past would do wonders for any future relationships, with this love or the next.
Speaking of toxicity, it’s worth noting, Transplanted, that “friend-zoning” is not a real thing. A deep and honest friendship is far from the antithesis of passion: It’s the most fertile possible soil. Lasting romance can only be improved by spending time solidifying a true friendship.
And, most importantly, friendship is its own reward. People who manage to maintain close friendships live longer and enjoy better mental health as well as physical. So there is honestly no down side to a continued relationship with your ex, whether it works out for you romantically or not.
My best advice? Keep her close. Stay in touch and take her at her word. But don’t wait for her, Transplanted. Live your life and hold your heart open to all possibilities. And count yourself lucky to have one good friend here in Iowa, whether it becomes something more again or not.
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s October 2026 issue.
Submit your question to Kiki, LV’s sex advice columnist. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
