Little Big Screen: ‘The Last Boy Scout’ and other football-adjacent movies to stream this month

Still from The Last Boy Scout. — Warner Bros.

Nicotine gum releases just enough of the good stuff to help you forget about cigs for, like, 15 minutes. A similar cessation aid has yet to be developed for fans of Iowa Hawkeyes football, but to maybe take the edge off Kirk Ferentz’s next press conference, Little Big Screen has some counter-programming to chew on. These football-adjacent movies have just enough of the good stuff to forget about the specter of Cade McNamara for, like, 90 minutes.

The Last Boy Scout (1991)

Directed by Tony Scott

“Jacked Up!” really did air on ESPN — and really was sponsored by Dodge, manufacturer of the RAM. I can still hear the studio segment’s chorus of thick necks, all together now, getting frothed and riled over dozens of angles of brains and limbs crashing and colliding: “He got … JACKED!! UP!!!” This countdown of the NFL’s most violent tackles existed until 2006, when one too many studies on concussions killed the corporate-sponsored celebration of brain damage. But nothing, not science, not network execs, not truck brands, could kill the thrill in seeing such a thing. When we’re talking about The Last Boy Scout, these are the meatheaded pleasure centers we’re talking about.

The too-bad, so-sad buddy cop movie has Bruce Willis as a publicly intoxicated private detective, Damon Wayans as a banned-for-life quarterback, and Halle Berry as a stripper who happens to wrap them up in a bottomless conspiracy. Tony Scott (Top Gun, True Romance) takes the cable-news bile in the guts of Shane Black’s (Lethal Weapon, The Nice Guys) script and gives it his signature gloss — MTV via SEC — to have team colors coming from every possible light fixture, from arena tunnels to alleyways. And thankfully, nothing here is ’natty. Everything from the first snap (a wide receiver, high on PCP, blasts the eyeball of a defensive back into a meaty cometary trail) to the last whistle (a henchman, in free fall, hits the blades of a helicopter and bursts into an all-red firework) is 100 percent juiced. And speak of the devil, O.J. Simpson’s pal A.C. Cowlings is credited as a technical advisor for the on-field action.

If you’re a man who yells at televisions, or you love a man who yells at televisions, The Last Boy Scout is even better than a guilty pleasure. It’s a pleasure that predates guilt.

Stream it on Apple TV or Prime Video

Buffalo ’66 (1998)

Directed by Vincent Gallo

Sports movies are full of lovable losers — the real winners, scoreboard be damned. Buffalo ’66 isn’t one of those movies. It’s the self-portrait of a loser, sure, just not the lovable kind. Billy Brown (Vincent Gallo) doesn’t seem to live or die with the football team he’s named after, but the Buffalo Bills have taken years off his life anyway. When Billy and Layla — his “bride-to-be,” played by Christina Ricci in nothing but blues — go to his parents’ place for dinner, the whole home is a loveless loserdom. While everybody else talks around the table, Billy’s mom (Anjelica Huston) pops in an old tape of Super Bowl XXV. She rewinds the worn footage to one of history’s most infamous field goal attempts, and for what must be the umpteenth time, can’t believe the kick is no good. The trauma of that miss has Billy on the same no-good trajectory. But somewhere between Layla’s boredom and grace, he might get a chance to break free from the replay.

Stream it on Amazon Prime or Tubi

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Directed by Tobe Hooper

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is a whole different deal. Tobe Hooper moves his second massacre from the fringe and gristle of East Texas hill country to the mass of maniacs in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex. The Red River Shootout sets the stage: Longhorns vs. Sooners, yes, and also, beef meat vs. man meat, sex vs. saw. Naturally, the first line of dialogue is “Hook ’em, Horns, baby!” A Mercedes, with two frat bros, has just ripped through the opening shot. They’re headed to the big football game, but a car chase leaves them beheaded before they can get there. The entire scene is a twacked-out cartoon — so very gnarly, so very ’80s, with Oingo Boingo’s “No One Lives Forever” blasting out the radio, while a certain someone’s chainsaw shreds the soft-top roadster on its way through the driver’s skull. The freshly cut stump sticking out of the cable-knit sweater spurts blood in time with the spooky speedball of a guitar riff.

“This is always a pretty hairy weekend for Dallas,” says one of the detectives at the eventual crash site. “Whole lot of folks come to town, don’t give a damn about football. You know, they just want to go blood crazy.”

Stream it on Amazon Prime, Peacock or Tubi

Black Sunday (1977)

Directed by John Frankenheimer

Goodyear had three rules for using their iconic blimp as a weapon of mass destruction: “The picture must make it clear that the pilot did not work for Goodyear. The final explosion of the blimp must not come out of the word ‘Goodyear.’ And the blimp must not be used for gratuitous violence, such as people being churned up by its propellers.” Adapted from a bestseller and thought to be the next Jaws, Black Sunday is more popcorn than politics. But the war depicted within isn’t white-label either, and you’ll be shocked, stunned, etc. that the NFL also said sure, why not, to a terrorist attack staged at Super Bowl X. By the time the blimp-bomb was flying towards the Dallas Cowboys and Pittsburgh Steelers — Terry Bradshaw goes uncredited — the “Fuck it, we’ll do it live!” feel of the finale had reduced me to drool and awe. “How did they do that?” was and is all I could muster.

Stream it on Paramount+