Dear Kiki,
I discovered my sexuality in college, and later came to terms with my gender identity. I feel pretty comfortable in both, but I’ll admit that I’m a pretty “boring” queer person. I’m not really that kinky, I’ve only had a few relationships and hookups in the past, and I’m now in a monogamous, long-term relationship and have a kid. I don’t really feel like my sexuality is all that important in my current life, but I’m fully supportive of other LGBTQ+ people expressing themselves in whatever way they want.
My problem is, I keep seeing people talking (mostly online, but in real life too) about how “non-kink queer people need to shut up, and conforming to a vanilla lifestyle won’t make bigots accept you.” And I feel conflicted; for one thing, I feel like it’s dismissive of Ace people, and for another, I’m not looking for the approval of bigots and that’s not the reason I live the way I do. I like my lifestyle, but I understand everyone is different and I’m in full support of kink communities, polyamorous people, etc. I think part of the beauty of this community is how diverse we are.
How can I respond to this kind of rhetoric when it comes up? How can I be accepting when it feels like I’m being targeted by people in my own community? It sometimes feels like I’ve almost isolated myself by choosing to enter into a closed marriage and raise a family. Should I just try to ignore it until sentiment shifts?
Sincerely,
Quaintly Queer
Dear Quaintly Queer,
I’m just gonna put all the cards on the table with this one: What you’re experiencing is privilege. I hear what you’re saying! You’re not the way you are on purpose to fit in; you didn’t choose your quaintness; all you’re doing is trying to live your life, not placate bigots. But it’s still true that who you are is more palatable to a certain type of person outside the queer community.
If individuals close to you or those you’d like to feel closer to are persistently regurgitating this rhetoric in your shared spaces, then there’s always the option of approaching them at a time when you both are calm, and asking them to be less aggressive and more inclusive when you’re around. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You deserve your place in the group.
Like all experiences of privilege, though, the best course of action when you feel targeted by someone who has less privilege than you in any given area is to listen: not to respond, but to understand. The fact that it’s not in your control makes it more important — not less — that you actively work to understand, accept and engage with it.
No one likes being told to shut up, Quaintly. However, the kind of rhetoric you’re describing is far more likely to be coming from a place of pain and anger than one of dismissiveness or superiority, no matter how blustery it sounds. If you can find a way to be less reactive and listen through the literal, you might find opportunities for deeper community building.
xoxo, Kiki
Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
This article was originally published in Little Village’s September 2024 issue.
