Questions about love and sex in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
I had a threesome with my boyfriend and another man. It was pretty amazing for me, but I can’t deny that I felt and sought intimacy with the new guy. I’d like to do it again (same “configuration”) but am concerned that it will fuel more intimacy between me and the third and cause a rift between us as a couple. I was never good at non-intimate sex. My boyfriend was jealous of this connection, and insists that, if we do it again, it would have to be after we try it with another woman. Getting another woman into bed with us is less fun for me because he’d have to be the one seducing her for it to work, and [that] might make me feel jealous. Complicated, I know, but hot is hot, and we do enjoy the exploration as a couple. How do you separate straightforward sex from emotions?
— Third Party
Dear Third Party,
Oy vey, honey. So, you and your boyfriend added his pal into the mix, and you liked it, you’re scheming on the next time and it made your boyfriend uncomfortable. Now he wants to try with another lady and you’re balking. The thing is, Party, that’s no fair for anybody.
Let’s back up a little bit. Sex and emotions are connected for a reason. Sex is a very vulnerable and intense activity, so many of us are wired to want to have an emotional and psychological bond with those we get down with. There’s nothing wrong with that, just as there’s nothing wrong with those of us who have an easier time with no-strings-attached.
Regardless of how you proceed with the threesomes, you and your man need to talk, talk, talk. Talk about what you want and expect from these experiences, how it will help or hinder your own relationship and what happens when, as you’ve discovered, jealousy over intimacy with the third parties arises. Talk about your commitment and attraction to each other, and what you might be looking for outside of the relationship. Are you comfortable enough with yourselves and your relationship to navigate that? Are you willing to remain open to the outside possibilities you’re flirting with? Are you communicating openly and honestly about these feelings and experiences?
If you’re not good at “straightforward sex,” you have no business having sex with anyone you can’t freely experience intimacy with. If you’re not secure and confident in your relationship, you have no business admitting third parties into the ring. Making room for that intimacy to happen in a safe, exciting, fun way is going to take work. Your boyfriend’s desire to experiment with another woman has you feeling uncomfortable, and, at the very least, I’d take a long hard look at that resistance before you involve yourself in any further experimentation.
The thing is, you can do whatever your kinky minds dream of, but with great sex comes great responsibility. Party on.
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 212.