Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: The birds and the bees

Pro Tips!
In this edition of Pro Tips, Wayne gives his most sincere advice on having “the talk.”

Dear Wayne,

My daughter is at the age when I need to have the “talk” with her regarding the birds and bees and the potential consequences of unwanted little birdies and teen-pregnancy bees and so forth. I’m not uncomfortable talking to her about these things, but some pointers on broaching the subject could be helpful. Thanks in advance!

— Miriam

Dear Miriam,

Talking to kids about sex and sexuality can be difficult, if not downright intimidating. That’s why I don’t do it. It’s rare for me to point to other experts, but part of my job is knowing what good advice smells and sounds like. Frankly, for the sex talk there’s no one better than Shadoew Rose Terrell. In her refreshing 208-page narrative Why Did You Give Up the Koochie and Now You Mad (available on Amazon and Shadoew deftly interprets and lays bare God’s ideas regarding men, women and when it is (and is not) appropriate to give up the koochie. For many ladies, poon-surrender will be one of the most difficult choices they make in their woman-lives. Fortunately, Shadoew is there for them. She provides insightful pointers on:

  • the right moments to be quiet
  • identifying “swappers”
  • submitting to the man in charge of you

As an advice columnist and the father of a daughter, I personally cannot recommend Shadoew’s guidance highly enough. If you’d like more information about Shadoew’s views on marriage and pussy, you can contact her by inserting a large-caliber handgun into your mouth and pulling the trigger. When you see the light, just ask for Shadoew.

— Wayne


Dear Wayne,

Ten years ago I moved here from Ganzhou, China. I’m considering returning home for better job prospects. Any thoughts?


Dear Wen,

When I was a teen, I faced a similar situation. I’d recently moved from Chicago to a small, midwestern farming community to live with my auntie and uncle. A place, I’d come to discover, where my two favorite pastimes—dancing and listening to rock and roll music—were fucking outlawed. Prom was right around the corner and I just couldn’t take it. I felt like doing—no, I had to do something rash. I’d fallen in love with a rebellious girl, I don’t know, maybe that was part of it. I also didn’t know her father was a minister until after we’d finger-banged. Additionally, her shitface boyfriend provided complications. I ended up dueling him with a tractor, which, if you’ve grown up on a farm in America, you know that’s how we solve our disagreements. Anyway, I ended up taking on city-hall and losing, only to win. Know why? Because this is America, and you can listen and dance to whatever the fuck you want here. That’s what America is all about. Unfortunately, Wen, that was a long time ago and a very unique situation created by a group of strange white people. You don’t stumble on top of a barrel of idiots willing to make you a hero just every day. I guess I’m saying “starting at janitor and eventually owning the company” is a situation long behind us, Wen. Are your prospects any better in China … ? I don’t know. But do I love karate.


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