Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: Surviving Darth Bannon, propagandism, Trump’s redecorating

Pro Tips
Behold: A wealth of knowledge awaits those who seek the guidance of oracle Wayne Diamante.

Holy Cats! As many of you now know, I’ve spent the last several months as a guest of the Cuban government for reasons that are cloudy at best. Anyhoo, I’m back! I was alarmed to see my column was briefly commandeered by President Trump. (Wow — it’s even gross to type. It feels like eating a wet-hair sandwich, or something. Instant gag reflex. YUCK! SAD!) So, yeah. The Donald. President. That was a BIG surprise. Congratulations, Americans. I didn’t know it was possible to actually shit through the bed and box spring, but I guess that’s the current state of American Exceptionalism.

I’m still being debriefed, but it looks like things are going pretty well for Donaldo Rivera and his Trumper Pumpers — if by “pretty well” one were to mean “like a clown rodeo.” I do have to hand it to Darth Bannon, though. Secretly slipping onto the National Security Council while Don was figuring out which drapes went best with his Muslim ban took a lot of chutzpah. Kudos to you, Dark Lord. In any case, this is the new reality: Get used to it, or create your own!

Dear Wayne,

I understand President Trump is personally overseeing the redecorating of the White House. Do you know any of the changes he’s made or plans to make?

Sincerely, Fabreezio

Dear Fabreezio,

He’s updated some televisions and carpets in the West Wing, but the best is yet to come. I understand this spring he’ll be painting the White House orange to accentuate his personal hue.


Dear Wayne,

I am appalled that, by all counts, we have entered a post-fact era. To have to indicate reportage as fact-based journalism, directly giving credence to the very concept of non-fact-based journalism, is outrageous! Fake news? The Onion is fake news. Weekend Update is fake news. The stories promulgated and referred to as fake news are not fake news, but propaganda appealing to the lowest levels of human cognition. Calling this garbage “fake news” is an insult to actual fake news, which we used to be able to refer to as satire. Can you explain how we’ve come to this horrible state of affairs?

Sincerely, Martha

Dear Martha,

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For all its splendor, the internet is largely an unregulated and dangerous place, at least for those who are used to taking things at face value. The old adage “knowledge is power” is only provisionally true — actual power is controlling what people know (or, rather, what they believe they know), and the internet is the perfect tool for that sort of manipulation. If I were to create a news blurb saying Webster’s Dictionary officially removed the word “mouth” from the English language and inserted “tongue-hole” in its place, and if I were able to sufficiently circulate it on Facebook, I have no doubt it could take hold in our new, glorious future. On the bright side, if you don’t think about it too hard it will all be normal soon enough.


This article was originally published in Little Village issue 215.