Late-winter blues got you down? Looking for love in all the wrong places? Tired of groundhogs stealing your birthday thunder? Uh oh, sounds like someone’s got a case of the Februarys! Lucky for you, bad penny, things are about to turn up. Welcome to the first installment of 2015 Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante!
Dear Wayne,
I have no idea what to get my girlfriend for her birthday. Every year is exactly the same: I stress out about getting her something special, fuss about it until the last minute and then end up getting her a gift certificate for some store and taking her out to a mediocre restaurant with jacked-up prices. Please help.
Sincerely,
Blaine
Dear Blaine,
Instead of going out on the town, think about a romantic night in. The perfect antidote for these chilly February nights is a little hanky-panky, complete with some fancy new duds for the missus. You could opt for more expensive lingerie, but who’s got time to go to all the hassle of finding out what size crotchless jumpsuit your old lady wears? If you’ll indulge me, might I suggest my economy line of one-size-fits-all Diamante-Brand Vajamas?
Diamante-Brand Vajamas are the perfect gift for the busy gentleman, or gentlewoman who can’t be bothered with details. We’re able to keep costs down by limiting the range of sizes to just one, while also taking advantage of the negligible oversight and loose trade restrictions afforded by operating facilities in emerging markets. Our more natural, olde-world-style trade ethic focuses on maintaining quality control in our supply chain with the time-honored tradition of the honor system. We source the finest plastics and rubber substitutes from a small cadre of Baltic artisans—craftsmen who have honed their art over days of guided training and several emails, including an optional PDF download directly from Diamante Inc.
When people try on Diamante-Brand Vajamas, the first thing they say after “let me out of here,” is “Wayne, these quality Vajamas are an incredible value, how can you sell them at such a low price?” The answer is “savings.” Savings scraped from the bottom of the Vajama barrel which we pass on to our customers, like an infection of good economic sense. You’re welcome!
Sincerely,
Wayne
Dear Wayne,
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the dating “scene.” Let me cut right to the chase; I’m recently divorced, and I’m looking to get some stank on my hang-low. I have no idea what these ladies today want. The last time I tried to make a move on a total stranger, the first Bush was in the White House. Is it still cool to wear your pants backwards?
Sincerely,
Jake
Dear Jake,
Let me start by saying … just …WOW. You’re a train wreck. I don’t do this very often, but I’m going to suggest alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. It has the dual benefit of simultaneously lowering both inhibitions and expectations, and you’re going to need both of those in spades. I hear you buddy, it’s rough out there, but you … well, just wear your pants backwards and hope for the best.
Sincerely,
Wayne
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 171
