Congratulations, you’re reading another exciting column of helpful advice from National Merit Scholar and stem-cell transplant model Wayne Diamante! Welcome friends, I feel like we haven’t talked in a long time, and seven days without my sterling advice makes one weak. Get it?! I think I actually lifted that line from a beef council advert, or maybe it was the pork council … Who knows? To be honest, I chair a lot of food-oriented councils, so it all gets muddled together. In any event, I’m here again to provide my own wise counsel to my faithful readers. Do you have a burning question or sensation you need cleared up? No insurance? No credit? No problem! I’m in your corner and can provide financing and solid advice at competitive rates. NO ONE WILL BE TURNED AWAY! Just send your question on over to email@example.com and I’ll do my best to tell you what your problem is.
Do you have any tips for quick weeknight meals? Things get so hectic with my kids’ constant soccer practices, dance recitals, doctor appointments and god knows what else that preparing and eating a healthy dinner in a timely fashion is nearly impossible. Thanks in advance!
When I’m in a pinch, my go-to healthy meal for the kids is straight-up Helper. No hamburger, no chicken, no tuna bullshit, just the Helper in a pan of boiling water. I might do some instant potatoes if time allows. For you health-nuts out there you can also grind up a handful of Flintstones Vitamins and throw it in with the slop. Don’t get me wrong; this stuff tastes like whatever they put in car batteries, but I’m sure the good folks at Betty Crocker and General Mills are only dehydrating and powdering the finest ingredients and preservatives for the consumer public. Bon appetite!
I’m starting a flute band and we need a good, make-that-great name. Any ideas?
Not a problem, I’m full of excellent band names. You and your band of windy troubadours shall henceforth be known as “King Henry VIII and the Tooter Dynasty.”
Fathers’ Day is approaching and my family is constantly hassling me about what I want. I don’t want anything, aside from some goddamn peace and quiet from the rugrats and the occasional blowjob from the wife. I retain little hope of either of those things coming to fruition anytime soon. Do you have any gift ideas for the celebration of my paternity? I’ve run out of ideas. Thanks, Wade
Don’t be so glum chum, there are lots of great gifts out there! My family scraped together the enrollment fee for an online law-enforcement certification class and a coupon for a Dilly Bar at Dairy Queen. I’ve got to tell you, I’m excited about becoming a cop! There are a ton of shitballs I know who are going to get bumped up to the top of my “to do” list. That’s right, I’m talking about you, Cody. You better get that piece of shit Pontiac off the street in front of my house, because there’s a new sheriff in town, asshole. I’ma make it rain with all sorts of misdemeanors and tickets up in this bitch!