Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: Guided by the Donald

Looking for a calendar app replacement? Wayne has you covered. — photo by Dafne Cholet

Howdy there, Pro Tippers! Springtime is here and for many people that means it’s time to shed some of that winter weight and buff up for swimsuit season. Sadly, each year dozens of Americans have trouble staying on target with their exercise goals and maintaining unrealistic or unhealthy diets. Friends, I’m not afraid to tell you that I was one of those people. The operative word being “was.” This year I’m subscribing to an exciting new regimen called Getting ‘Yuge With The Donald. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and watch the pounds melt away. Now you skeptics may be saying, “Hold on, Wayne, that sounds too good to be true.” To which I reply, “You’re a moron. Which side of the wall do you want to be on come November, smart guy? Women love me.” GYWTD was developed by Trump Laboratories and synergizes science and the power of imagination with the market share of the Trump brand, resulting in a perfectly balanced, fat-blasting trifecta based on the principles of spray tanning, testosterone supplements and boner pills. GYWTD is potentially almost completely safe for some women, children and light skinned, racially ambiguous minorities. Legally, Trump Labs is required to say that certain side effects — diminished capacity for a linear conception of time, hair loss and sporadic incontinence — have been observed in a small proportion of the human population. Is that proportion nearly 100% of the people who are currently using GYWTD? You tell me, asshole, because look at me. I’m ‘YUGE!

Dear Wayne,

I’m always late for my appointments, missing birthdays, holidays, etc. Can you recommend a good calendar app that might be able to help me stay up to date and on time?

Thanks, Boyd

Dear Boyd,

You’re going about this the wrong way. You don’t need an app to help you manage your schedule — you need to minimize your agenda clutter. For example, reduce the number of friends, acquaintances and relationships you maintain to a bare minimum, say, a number less than 5. Sign up for email alerts for the critical holidays like Lobsterfest, Shark Week and Menard’s 11% Rebate Sales. Keep things breezy — commit only vaguely to things like doctor appointments and staff meetings, and you’ll never be late again. Lastly, stay on track with career and lifestyle goals by painting your future with extremely broad strokes; success comes easy if the timeframe is long enough and the expectations are low enough. Go get ‘em, tiger! –W

Dear Wayne,

I need a new “look.” My college days are coming to a close and I need to adopt a slightly less tie-dye oriented wardrobe prior to hitting the job market. I still want to throw off a carefree, fun-guy vibe, but I also want clothes that let people know I can be serious and reliable. Any insight you have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Marc

Dear Marc,

Bad news first: there are no jobs out there. Good news is you’ve got time to develop your new style! It sounds like what you’re after falls into a fashion area I like to call Funeral-Casual. It’s a little dressy, but not something you can’t relax and feel comfortable in. Think English professor blazer (with elbow patches) meets guidance counselor sweater vest (something bright). The coat says you mean business, but the sweater says, “Hey guys, look! My sweater doesn’t have any sleeves! I can be fun!” Happy shopping! –W

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 197.

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