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Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: Golden Coral, shotguns, David Pogue and more


Pro Tips!
In this edition of Pro Tips, we learn that Wayne is not allowed Chinese food.

Welcome to your autumn edition of Pro-Tips with me, Wayne Diamante! I can’t get enough crisp country air and apple picking, leaf raking, duck hunting, gutter cleaning and preparing for winter. Pro-tip: If you have failed to prepare for winter and are on a last-minute sort of schedule, remember the following: There is almost nothing you can’t accomplish with a nine-volt battery, pocketknife and vial of personal lubricant. That, friend, is wisdom you can take to the bank.

Based on the information above, many of you will have guessed, no doubt, that I spent my youth as a sweatshirt model in Canadian shopping malls. I am taking the opportunity to state publicly, in unambiguous terms, the aforementioned rumor is slanderous and scandalizes my name. If you have any questions you can reach me at askwaynediamante@gmail.com.

Dear Wayne,

I watch a lot of NOVA’s Making Stuff specials on PBS, and I’m wondering if you think David Pogue looks like Butt-Head from television’s Beavis and Butt-Head?

Sincerely,
Donald

Dear Donald,

Yes. He looks exactly like Butt-Head. The resemblance is uncanny, to say the very least.

Yours truly,
Wayne

Dear Wayne,

I want to buy a shotgun, not only for protection against home invasions, but also for hunting. My wife is dead-set against the idea and I’m not sure where to turn. Help me, Wayne Diamante, you are my only hope.

Gracias y Sayonara,
Juan Kenobi

Sr. J. Kenobi,

At one point, or another, where to keep the firearms is going to be a point of discussion in any household. For instance, my wife hates Chinese food. I only order it when she’s out of town. Nevertheless, she still gets mad at me for ordering it while she’s away, despite the fact I’m doing her the favor of not eating it while she is around. Point is, you can’t win. Just buy the gun/Chinese food/whatever, and run with it — she won’t complain whilst your game-bag is full of meaty fauna and your property and home stand protected Charles Bronson style. You might even get laid in the bargain. I just want to stress we are still talking about Chinese food.

Sincerely,
Wayne

Dear Wayne,

I submit, at the outset, no one in the administration considered the possibility that Golden Corral (GC) could top their Chocolate Wonderfall, not even with with cottoned candy. Should GC continue to escalate their program, as all rhetoric suggests — what can we expect in the short to mid-term, policy-wise, from this administration? 

I’ll take my answer off air,
Duane 

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Duane,

Analysts presume GC is going to continue a trend toward limited yet focused sugar enrichment in their Wonderfall program. In the near term, many consider the greatest threat to be GC’s pocket candy liquefaction process, while their ultimate focus likely remains on the aerosolization of Werther’s caramels. Other respected fringe analysts feel GC’s next move is a fully functioning American-cheese Wonderfall.

The U.S. needs to wake the fuck up. GC is taking advantage of cheap technology, and Americans are weak in the knees for new, faster ways to lard-up their necklines. GC will continue its fountain delivery methods until we remove their Wonderfall capabilities, down to the last bacteria-laden, fat-spurting blubber pump. We must stop this, or GC’s food-like cheesy substance will be on American hands, pants and shameful parts unnamed.

Wayne


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