I bet you’ve been busy wondering what to wear while reading Pro Tips. Don’t worry about it, you look great. More or less. You’d look better without all that baggage. Go ahead, unpack your luggage, and I’ll do my best to tell you what your problem is. Email me at askwaynediamante@gmail.com.
Dear Wayne,
I’m preparing to slim down for swimsuit season, and I’d love to hear your weight loss tips and tricks.
— Martin
Dear Martin,
Like many of you, each fall I spend a few weeks bulking up by eating Texas-sized helpings of lard and baked potatoes in anticipation of winter. And like you, come springtime I’m inclined toward trimming down and looking fit when I slap on the old Speedo. Some “fad” diets work for a while, but can be hard to maintain and many of them are just plain bad for you. I find the most effective approach is to focus on healthy alternatives to your regular victuals. For example, at breakfast I’ll trade in my Captain Crunch for a nice crispy bowl of acorn tops. For you snackers out there, you can make a perfectly tasty homemade ranch sauce by replacing the buttermilk and mayonnaise with Brylcreem and Gyne-Lotrimin. If you’re carb conscious but also love baked goods, stick to your favorite recipes but replace a third of the flour with talcum powder. You’ll never taste the difference!
— Wayne
Dear Wayne,
For more than a year I’ve been writing Richard Simmons fan fiction. My boyfriend left me and my parents want me to move back in with them, provided I throw away my headband and leotard wardrobe. The worst part is, I don’t feel bad about it at all. Is that wrong?
— Lucy
Dear Lucy,
Writing fan fiction is totally almost normal. Maybe you were one of those kids reading under the blanket long after mom and dad decreed “lights out.” Maybe you’re one of those people who fall in love with inanimate objects. Either way, it’s evident you want something you can’t have or have something you can’t want. I know because I’m speaking from experience. Perhaps you recognize the following:
“Abdullah, his body transmogrified before John’s eyes, all pink mist and gristle, had been insisting on more night raids. The shockwave crushed air against flesh and flesh against bone and bone against past; John remembered his last broadcast as a civilian. It was Intelligence for Your Life. Some bullshit holiday edition. An east coast headshrinker had done a study and discovered many successful musicians had at one time, or another, found themselves in a tough spot. Addiction or divorce or heartbreak, or worse. John wondered if Mosul counted as a tough spot.”
You’ve guessed it, I’m WhenIthinkaboutyou Iteshmyself42069, webmaster of www.tesh-merga.net. I’m not afraid to admit it because sometimes the people we want to be heroes can’t cut it, or the heroes we do have need life beyond what they’ve been scripted. Lucy, you go out there and write the best Richard Simmons fan fiction you can. Odds are no one else is, or will. But you could.
— Wayne
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 175
