Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: Embrace the summertime adventures

Pro Tips
Behold: A wealth of knowledge awaits those who seek the guidance of oracle Wayne Diamante.

Welcome to your Fun in the Sun edition of Pro Tips, with me, Wayne Diamante!

Summer is in full swing, and that means it’s time again for cookouts, park and backyard gatherings, summer camps and keepin’ cool at the swimmin’ pool. We here at Pro Tips have you covered with the information and sauces you’ll need to make sure your summer is a success.

Dear Wayne,
I’m concerned about the Zika virus. Any cautionary Pro Tips you can provide would be very helpful. — Hagar

Dear Hagar,
I’m glad you asked. The only surefire way to completely avoid the Zika virus is to move to Antarctica. Barring that, you should soak your backyard with DDT and drink as much DEET as you possibly can. A lot of “experts” will tell you to only apply it to your clothes, sparingly so, and avoid skin contact. However, my independent clinical trials show drinking it is nearly as effective as placebo, which is a word they use in science. — W

Dear Wayne,
We’re heading into the summer cookout season and I’d love to hear your advice on orchestrating the perfect neighborhood get-together. Thanks!
— Gerald

Dear Gerald,
Everyone loves backyard games and friendly competitions, but you’ve got to stay cool too, right? Consider adding some water to the mix! Neighborhood Jell-O wrestling tournaments are one way you can beat the heat and have fun without breaking your pocketbook. Be careful and do a thorough clean-up when it comes to the Jell-O though; otherwise you’ll get ants. — W

Dear Wayne,
I have a church potluck coming up and I’m new to the area, so I’d really like to make a good impression. Conversations can be a bit of a challenge for me, so I’m wondering if there are there any topics or newsworthy tidbits I should brush up on? What do you think I should take to share? — Svetlana

Dear Svetlana,
I’ve got you covered on both fronts: While certain intellectual gigolos will tell you a casserole and hotdish are the same thing, don’t be fooled. Casseroles, like Mennonites, serve as the overarching genus whereas hotdishes, like the Amish, are a species within that genus. Hotdishes make use of potatoes, and casseroles use rice and other carbohydrates like noodles. Additionally, hotdishes will never include cheese as an ingredient. Here’s a handy saying to help you remember: “I love cheese; I’ll have the casserole please—but I do like rice so that hotdish looks nice, just like your mom!” ZING! You’ll be the life of the party. Take soup. — Wayne

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 201.