Welcome to your official first Pro Tips of Summer Vacation! School’s out and the living is easy for the next three months! Unless of course you have a regular job, or you are Wayne Diamante — because justice never sleeps, especially Diamante Brand back-street justice. Believe it.
Lately, everything I write sounds like the hook for a TV show. I’m in brainstorm mode again for a pilot episode I’m working on for Lifetime Network. They’ve hired me to be the creative director behind their new Bruce Jenner reality show. I don’t know if I’ll call it TransJenner, or Jenner Identity … or maybe Jenneration XX. All tough choices, really. Anyway, that’s my problem.
Luckily, you have me to solve your issues and answer your questions. Hit me up at askwaynediamante@gmail.com, and I’ll do my level best to let you know what your problem is.
Dear Wayne,
When digested, does alcohol turn into poop or pee?
— Fred
Dear Fred,
Neither. It turns into brain cells, which is why people have all of their best ideas shitfaced.
— Wayne
Dear Wayne,
I’m new to the area and looking for ways to get involved with the community and connect with new friends. I like volunteering with former convicts who are at risk of recidivism, but my new job really ties up a lot of my time and frankly, I could deal with something a little more low-stress. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
— Marvin
Dear Marvin,
It sounds like you’re civic-minded but need something you can pick-up and put-down without thinking about it too much. What you need to do is meld your work and passion into a social hobby. For example, my social hobby is a website called TruancyBlog! Allow me to elaborate.
As a writer, I spend a lot of time in front of a computer screen, and I’m fortunate in that I’m able to work from home. I also happen to live next to a high school. The thing about high school students, Marvin, is they’re always arriving late and cutting out early and generally developing the bad habits that will turn them into shitheads later in life.
I strongly feel it is not only my, but everyone’s civic duty to be the positive influence these troubled teens need. To that end, I’ve installed a webcam and remote activated paintball gun on top of my house, operated via the internet.
Visitors to TruancyBlog! are invited to motivate wayward students via real-time video feed and barrages of high velocity withering fire, all from the click of a mouse. It’s low stress, low-commitment, combines my work and interests, and is infinitely entertaining.
I’ll admit, Marvin, TruancyBlog! is kind of the unicorn of social hobbies. You may have some difficulty finding the perfect fit for your needs, but don’t give up! In the meantime, head on over to TruancyBlog! and fire off a couple rounds in service of punctuality. Tomorrow’s leaders are going to need to be on time.
— Wayne
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 177
