Welcome to your July Pro Tips! The weather is hot, summer is in full swing and we here at Pro Tips HQ hope you’ve been enjoying yourselves. July is the quintessential vacation month in America, so to those of you heading off to oceans, lakes, summer camps and resort casinos: Have fun and bon voyage! As for the rest of you, get back to work!
Maybe you’re wondering how you can save up for that special summer vacation, or maybe the pool just isn’t cutting it, and you need some tips and tricks for beating the heat. Whatever the case may be, if you’ve got a problem send it to me, Wayne Diamante at askwaynediamante@gmail.com, and I’ll let you know what it is.
Dear Wayne,
Do you think shows like To Catch a Predator indicate a pervasive cultural decline in America? Obviously everyone wants to see these assholes brought to justice, but there also seems to be an element of something akin to bloodlust by airing it on national television for, let’s face it, entertainment value.
Sincerely,
Wanda
Dear Wanda,
I haven’t seen the show in question, but I can tell you this: Predators are no laughing matter. Skull-hunting trophy-killers from outer space are one of the most pressing challenges facing today’s commandos and paramilitary units. Obviously, you’re not familiar with the documentary film Predator, but I suggest you do yourself a favor and watch it. I don’t know how a show about keeping those bastards off American streets and out of American jungles indicates “cultural decline,” but if you want to talk about bloodlust, predators have it in spades. I think you might need to come down off your pedestal a little and recognize the cultural value shows like To Catch a Predator offer.
Sincerely,
Wayne
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Dear Wayne,
I’m a musician, and I tour a lot. Any tips on consistently finding a decent place to take a dump when you’re on the road? Being fourth in line behind my bandmates at a greasy, gas station toilet is bad enough, but if I have to take another shit in some godforsaken bar with a doorless stall I will literally kill myself. I’m tired of people flicking cigarette butts at me while I’m wiping my ass.
Sincerely,
Bill
Dear Bill,
Whether you’re on tour, a road trip with your BFFs, or a criminal on the run, success in finding a decent location to pinch a loaf away from home can easily make or break your day. Professionals of all stripes will tell you that it’s hard to be on point and deliver your best work if you’ve been holding a big steamer hostage in the basement all day. To that end I do indeed have a great tip for achieving a victorious BM while in the field. Frankly, it’s just one amongst the many bullet points on my list of reasons why you should always carry an empty Ziploc freezer bag with you, preferably gallon sized. Just find a cozy spot in a library or behind a Denny’s, anywhere you can get a few moments of privacy, whip out your Ziploc (pre-packed with some TP and a handful of wet-naps) and do your deal, then file the bag accordingly. Just consider the world around you as your executive washroom, Bill, and you’ll be stepping large and breathing easy in no time. Happy trails!
Sincerely,
Wayne
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 180
