Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: A glimpse of 2017

Pro Tips
Behold: A wealth of knowledge awaits those who seek the guidance of oracle Wayne Diamante.

People! Folks: Let me tell you — I have to tell you this: This Wayne Diamante character, he’s a total FRAUD! It’s true. I believe it’s true. Turns out, he’s some kind of undocumented — was he Muslim? He was Mexican I think — anyway, some kind of undocumented Muslican sex weirdo, or something. So what did we do? We had our best people catch him up. We snatched him right off the street. Bag over the head and everything, the whole shebang. We told him we could send him back to Denmark or wherever, or we could send him to Cuba (get this — it’s hilarious) to kill CASTRO! And he did it! Can you believe it? I can! No one wants to live in failing Denmark — it’s a dump, am I right? So he’s stuck down there since, like, when? Since before Thanksgiving? And he’s just down there! He is. It’s true. So anyway, I’m doing the predictions for 2017, me, Donald J. Trump. POTUS. Much love to all my haters — NOT! Let’s get started.

Tremendous things are going to happen in 2017, all fantastic things, and I want to share them with you folks, I really do, but you have to wait. I can’t talk about them yet, all these wonderful predictions I have. Actually they’re not predictions, because predictions can be wrong and The Donald is never wrong, so these are things I know. OK? These are facts I’m telling you. I have all the best facts — they’re perfect, like Ivanka. Let’s have a hand for my wonderful, sexy daughter. Look at her — she’s beautiful, just like her mother 35, 40 years ago. Isn’t she gorgeous? Who wouldn’t hit that? I would. Right? You’re beautiful honey. Now beat it, daddy’s working.

Where were we? Oh! My facts! They’re really great, the best. Actually, there is one thing I can tell you — last January this Diamante guy predicted I’d be mauled by dogs in 2016. WRONG! Not mauled, Wayne. Got it, you fat loser? Look at me, not a scratch. Nothing. I’m impenetrable. I’m like the world’s best, hardest diamond. However, just to be safe, and I’m giving you fair warning so don’t say I didn’t, there will be NO DOGS in 2017. OK? NO DOGS. If you have one, I don’t care how, just get rid of it. All of them. POW! Done.

And the one other thing I can tell you is this: We’re getting that wall. This is the new plan: We’re going to take it from China, OK? 1) They’ve got this huge wall, 2) they’re not using it and 3) Mongols haven’t been a problem for decades. I know it, they know it, everyone knows it. We’re going to take that wall and we’re going to smack it down right in between the Mexicans and us. It’s huge, you can see it from outer space. And the best part is, the Chinese are going to give it to us as part of my new trade deal. That’s right, it’ll all be free! Amazing, I know. You can do things like that when you know the system like I do. No one knows it better than me, people.

Folks, there are so many other beautiful things I want to tell you about 2017, but I’m running out of space. If this Wayne guy were so great he’d have a bigger column. Such a loser. He’s stupid. OK? He’s a fat, stupid loser. UGLY! SAD! I love you guys. You’re the best. God Bless. #NODOGS2017

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 213.