Pro Tips with Wayne Diamante: 2016 predictions

Donald Trump
Photo by Gage Skidmore

In the cold isolation of the 21st century, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride roughshod over the ashes of civilization delivering endless war, famine and whatever the other two guys bring to the party. Mere existence hinges on locking away the last shreds of your humanity deep within your psyche, slaking your thirst for survival on the blood of the weak and sharpening your knives whenever you have a moment’s rest. You will need luck, guile and, most of all, Pro Tips. Because in a future without hope, people won’t get the advice they need — they’ll get the advice they deserve.

Welcome to Wayne’s predictions for 2016! Hooray! Hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s Eve and got that kiss you desperately wanted. It’s time again for my annual predictions for the coming year. Usually, my crystal ball has a pretty sunny disposition, but things are looking a little bleak for 2016, I’m sorry to report. On the bright side, I’ve been wrong before, but only once. In any event, here are your predictions for the Year of the Monkey!

  • “Only Cheese!” will be the celebrity diet of the year.
  • The New York Times will update its look in 2016 by printing all stories using Comic Sans.
  • Proctor & Gamble and Pepsico will collaborate on a groundbreaking new line of thirst-quenching shampoos called Hair-Dew.
  • Popular brain training company Lumosity faces widespread backlash after naming their corporate headquarters The Concentration Campus.
  • While campaigning during the New Hampshire primaries, the Republican bid for the Whitehouse is upended when Donald Trump is mauled by a mountain lion. No one lends a hand. The remaining candidates remain deadlocked right up to the end. Constituents of the Freedom caucus highjack the RNC convention and demand a no-holds-barred kumite to determine the nomination. Collectively, the nation sighs and turns off the television. Hillary and Sanders join forces. They glide effortlessly into the Presidency.
  • Drones! Drones everywhere! Everyone will have a drone. Shopping, laundry, wedding photography, snow removal, motorcycle repair and cosmetology will all be relegated to the recent past as drone madness sweeps the nation.
  • The economic recovery will teeter a bit after the Fed’s interest rate hike. Notably, New England’s tourism industry will suffer dramatic changes, such as the departure from the traditional Bed and Breakfast model to the more economical Bed or Breakfast.
  • The most popular television show of 2016 will be about a Ukrainian female skateboard prodigy, Nickelodeon’s Totally Radmilla!

Well, there you have it, 2016 in a nutshell. Good luck — you’re going to need it!

This article was originally published in Little Village issue 191.