Happy New Year from Pro-Tips with Wayne Diamante! As I sit composing this, gazing through the southern window of my Alpine writing chalet, it’s hard to envision 2014 with the sort of clarity I like to have when making the advanced predictions and concise pronouncements I’m known for. Until recently, I’d had on loan a high-powered super computer from Bruce Bueno de Mesquita with his predictive model on board. Long story short, we got drunk at the Little Village Xmas party, got into an argument over the future of Syria and I busted him right in the chops. Lights out, Bruce! Konk. Needless to say, he took his computer and we are not speaking. So, my hotly awaited predictions for 2014 may be less accurate than normal … or maybe MORE accurate — Bruce, wouldn’t that be something for you to chew on? You crusty buzzard.
Right off the bat — last year at this time I predicted the Mayan apocalypse would, in fact, not be the Apocalypse. As for the rest … ehhh … hard to say. Some of you, no doubt, probably did go to prison. Others may have, indeed, optioned the rights to their movies. In any event, a whole year’s worth of prediction is likely going to have some hits and misses. Despite all that, in lieu of my normal advice column, here are my 2014 predictions. All will be back to normal next issue, so if you have anything you want to talk about hit me up at email@example.com.
- With the 50-year anniversary of JFK’s assassination having just passed, there will be a lot of interest in JFK movies. Notably, one directed by M. Night Shyamalan which will be a remake of the Zapruder film starring Matthew McConaughey and a digitally reanimated Amy Winehouse. Spoiler alert: The president is assassinated … or is he?
- In a stunning move designed to drum up media attention and refocus people’s hearts and minds on the things that truly matter, Pope Francis, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, Brangelina, the Dalai Lama, Yitzhak Yosef, David Lau and Ayatollah Khomeini will all wrap up their special hats in shiny wrapping paper and then play musical chairs. Beyoncé (Jay-Z will be in tow, holding an oscillating fan blowing her hair asunder while she convulses dramatically) will start and stop the music. When it’s all said and done, everyone will put on their new hat and be in charge of, you know, whoever those people are in charge of until 2015, when they’ll do it all again, but at the MTV Music Awards.
- The long slow decline of the US Postal Service will culminate this year when the Postmaster General replaces all personnel with new and improved mindless drones.
- The FDA will approve both Nicorette and açai berries for use as weight loss suppositories.
- The Fed’s long-awaited move to reduce their annual trillion dollar bond buying stimulus will, in fact, not happen. Instead, Janet “Sensual Magellan” Yellen will ratchet up the stimulus by investing heavily in scented massage oils, Barry White albums and French ticklers. Grab your ankle restraints and get ready for a little post Bernanke-panky!
- Lastly, DJ Bashar al-Assad will release an EP that will scorch up the charts and the outside of your eyeballs with a collection of dubstep club anthems entitled Syrious Club Trax! Many of the hits will be featured in a revamp of Konami’s classic arcade shooter, Dance Dance Revolution.
OK, that’s it for my 2014 predictions! Hope you all have a wonderful year in front of you and keep those questions a-rolling in! I couldn’t do it without you!