I have always had a lower sex drive than my partner, and I know that can be natural in a relationship, but recently it has felt like a problem. My partner is very patient and supportive, so this is me being hard on myself. My partner is down for sex so much easier and quicker than I am because it frequently feels like I have some kind of block. Either because I’m stressed, or tired, or my stomach hurts, or I am just not really in the mood.
It feels like everything has to be perfect or else I just can’t get there. Trying to “get” horny feels like work, and the fact that I even have to try to get there also overwhelms and makes me feel self-conscious and awkward, which just worsens my headspace. I have a feeling my birth control plays a role, but I’ve already switched once and I just don’t want to deal with changing again.
I am attracted to my partner, I find them sexy and beautiful, so it just feels like I’m difficult. What steps can I take to try and overcome these mental blocks?
Sincerely,
GridLocked Lover
Dear GridLocked Lover,
What a shitty feeling to have to deal with! It sucks when our brain — our most valuable and powerful sexual organ! — seems to be working against us.
The easiest and hardest answer is hidden in plain sight right in your question: This is you being hard on yourself. The more you dwell and dither and doubt, the worse your situation will get. You can’t logic yourself into getting aroused. You don’t conquer a mountain by telling it to shrink.
The good news, GridLocked, is that a mental block is a mental block is a mental block. While you might feel embarrassment or shame when sex is part of the conversation, the advice would be the same if you were an athlete suddenly unable to perform ingrained skills or a writer faced with an unexpected lack of creative ideas. These confusing, frustrating “dry spells” happen to nearly all of us. If you’ve experienced this in other areas of your life, know that many solutions are transferable: You may already have the skills to break yourself free!
The worst thing to do is give into fear and succumb to fallacies about always and never. Start out with the practice of incorporating transitory language into your internal (and external) dialogues about the issue, GridLocked. “This is a problem for me today.” “I’m not able to right now.” Actively train your brain to accept that this is a place you’re in at the moment — a situation, not a state of being.
Then take a look at other areas of your life that may be contributing to your disconnect. While there’s a good chance that you’re right about the effect your birth control is having, that’s seldom the only factor. Things like maintaining good sleep hygiene, eating healthy foods, exercising regularly and all the other advice you probably get from your doctor at your annual check-up absolutely work to increase your libido as well. Yes, humans are machines in a sense. But there’s no single gear or sprocket that can be replaced to fix the way our mind and body interact. We have to approach our wellbeing holistically.
While you’re working to improve those parts of the equation, take the time that you might otherwise spend gettin’ busy and use it to explore other avenues of intimacy with your partner. Sex isn’t the only way to maintain closeness, and when you do shift into a new phase of your desire, you don’t want to find that you need to redevelop that bond. Cook together, go out dancing together, read plays aloud together, work on major renovation projects together: anything that causes your bodies and minds to interact and entangle. Intimacy and sex are not synonyms. Sex drives can wax and wane over the course of relationships and over the course of our individual lives. Don’t let a lack of sex get in the way of the intimacy you deserve.
One last thing to remember, GridLocked: Getting off is its own best advocate. That is, the more you orgasm, the more you’ll want to orgasm. Having sex can itself increase your libido. I am not saying to lie back and think of England, and this isn’t about owing anything to your partner. It doesn’t even require your partner; getting yourself off works just as well. Either together or solo, going for it even when everything isn’t perfect can help jumpstart your cravings.
Happy climaxing!
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s March 2026 issue.
