It is difficult for me to keep grievances about people who hurt me to myself, and it seems unavoidable that one of these conversations will come back to haunt me. What begins with feeling slighted becomes vilification of others and character assassination, which I often express liberally with confidants and less trusted acquaintances alike. My tendency to criticize others haunts me. This behavior seems to reinforce any negative feelings and further damage relationships. Why is it such a challenge to let personal slights go, and how can I learn to accept disagreements, and move on, without seeking out others who might co-villainize the individuals who hurt me?
—Chip on My Shoulder
Dear Chip,
You have every right to feel. Your reactions are not at fault, so long as you own them. Remember, even Frozen II-era Elsa was chagrined when confronted with the water memory echo of her younger self belting “Let it Go.” Never forget that your feelings matter.
Letting your feelings fester does you no good at all. But that’s where venting to friends and acquaintances comes in. A big part of the reason that you have such empathy for those who’ve slighted you is that you’ve purged the urge to hold a grudge.
The solution is simpler than it seems. Just keep your complaint subjects anonymous.
It might be hard for some folks to accept. We are a society where vaguebooking is treated as a crime of epic proportions. A lot of people feel like they have a right to the full story, names and all, in every circumstance. But the truth is, Chip, that while your frustration and anger belong to you, the reputations of others do not.
This may sound cliche, but it’s repeated often because it’s true: Use “I” statements. Yes, even when talking to third parties.
Try saying, “I am so hurt by X behavior! It bothers me because it makes me feel Y.” That will still garner you the empathy and/or reality check you need without putting the offending party in anyone else’s crosshairs. It allows you to vent and feel heard without laying explicit blame.
And if someone asks, either out of true concern or out of the temptation to gossip, “Oh my gosh; who did this to you?!” just respond, “The action hurt me, not the person. I have no desire to pay the hurt forward.”
None of us is perfect, Chip. I have no doubt that, through thoughtless words or careless actions, I’ve slighted others in the past. Perhaps you have, too. But from what you’ve said, I think you’d agree that we all owe each other the grace of not assigning to character what can be chalked up to circumstance.
The best way to do that is to just keep their name out of your mouth.
There is a flip side to this, too: You’re concerned that those who’ve slighted you will have their reputations harmed, but it’s worth it to have some concern for your own, as well. At some point, if your friends and acquaintances get used to hearing named rants about others from you, they’ll start to worry about what you’re saying about them when they’re not around.
So while you practice keeping your rage focused on what was done instead of who did it, also get into the habit of centering more of your conversations on positive experiences. I know it can feel like everyone’s life is shitty because we live in shitty times, and that can make focusing on the good feel like bragging. But we all need more joy in our lives, Chip — and we need to know that joy is possible.
Vent when you need to, and be a willing, judgement-free ear when others need to vent. Just don’t let that be all there is to your social interactions.
xoxo, Kiki
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