Questions about love and sex in the city of Iowa City can be sent to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
Dear Kiki,
How does a couple engage in a threesome/develop a group sex life in such a small town? Rather than going through the tedium of seeking potential partners online, my long-term partner and I would like to simply ask another person or couple (we have someone in mind) to get nasty with us — this way we know there’s attraction and respect from the very beginning. We just want to fuck people we like; how do we ask them without breaching major social boundaries?
— Signed, Small Townie
Hi Small Townie,
If you and your sweetie want to get down with a third person, or another couple, you’re going to be pushing and crossing a few boundaries. The question really is how to cross them discreetly, respectfully and in ways that won’t make the other party feel weird. As you’ve discovered, being kinky, polyamorous or otherwise queer in a small Midwestern town is no easy task, and I will give a real endorsement to the internet for helping people connect and build community for their sex and love interests. Craigslist, OKCupid and Tinder can all be used to find potential matches, and there is a wonderful app called 3nder (pronounced “thrinder”) that works a lot like Tinder, but is made for finding partners and couples for group sex or swinging in a set geographic area—which is how Kiki got to spend a weekend “skiing” with some nice married people outside of Montreal in 2011. But anyway. Adult Friend Finder is another common site for swinging and group sex. If your immediate area is a strikeout, consider doing some research and checking out polyamory meet ups, sex parties or swinger parties in larger places like Des Moines, Minneapolis or Chicago.
There is also a trusty, timeworn method of finding people to have weird sex with: hire them. If you and your partner are in a committed relationship and inexperienced in group sex, you may not offer much for potential new partners to get excited about. But if you want to try it out and see how it goes, see what feelings come up and decide whether it’s fun for everyone, bringing in a pro could be a lot less challenging logistically the first time around.
I’d recommend remaining careful of coming on too strong to friends until you’re really sure they would be interested. Treat it like you would any dating situation: Spend time with them, get to know them, feel it out and get comfortable. Maybe bring up the subject in conversation offhandedly, like, “I saw this interesting article in Little Village about group sex. Doesn’t that sound cool?” You get the idea. Find out how this person feels, or if they have any stories to tell. That will help you decide if it might be something they are interested in. If you’re getting green lights, go ahead and bring it up in a low-pressure way, when the three or four of you have been hanging out having a good time. I’d definitely stay away from text-based communication on this one.
Keep in mind that having sex with someone you are both close with can result in unforeseen complications. Feelings can develop quickly in unexpected directions that can alter or damage an otherwise “no strings attached” arrangement. Be sure you talk all of this through, ideally with everyone involved. You or your partner may experience jealousy or other challenges that you did not count on. When the third person is a stranger from the internet, it can be a lot easier to defuse tension than when it’s your next-door neighbor. If it’s a couple you’re after, consider all of the above true, but double it.
My cautionary tone aside, there are lots of ways to explore multiple partner sex safely and respectfully. You and your partner can figure out what works best. Happy hunting! — xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 203.
