Dear Kiki,
I’m an older lady, 40s and have been with a guy (also 40s) for a while. I have always been very sexual, I wouldn’t say hypersexual, but ya know, I like it and prefer to have sex regularly. Anyway, here I am, in my prime with a sweet guy who is no longer in his prime. I’ve inquired with him about his attraction to me. Like, is it me? Response was no, he “thinks” he’s attracted to me and this has happened with others. I’ve told him there are options, that he could speak to his doctor about this “issue.” It was a good talk, he was amenable. That was months ago and no change. He has not acknowledged it since. Do I have to bring it up again? We’ve only had intercourse a handful of times. Please help!
—Frisky and Unfulfilled
Dear Frisky and Unfulfilled,
Not gonna lie, F&U: I bristled a bit reading your self-description at the beginning of your note! Older? In your 40s? I mean sure, older than some — but younger still than many active, vital, sexual women. And, as you aptly note just two sentences later, in your prime. So why a term that could easily read as pejorative?
Let me make a guess (and I promise you, this comes from a place of deep empathy):
Is it because as we age, even as our confidence in ourselves grows overall, we still hold on to an intense desire to feel, well, desired? Perhaps even more so than in youth? A need to be needed, a craving to be craved: It’s not enough to get laid, we want to be inevitable. Inescapable. Necessary as breath.
That’s the tack your conversations should be taking, F&U. Is it possible, even probable, that his age is affecting his libido? Sure, of course. But this isn’t about him. This is about your needs, and the fact that you want him to be the one to fill your needs. The old reliable “I” statement: “I need you to be more demonstrative in your desire, so that I can feel attractive and wanted.” Not what his shortcomings are, but how he can express his love for you in ways that reach your heart.
Is this about ego protection? A bit, perhaps. It’s true that no one likes to be told that they’re broken, that they need a “fix” for their “issue.” He may be feeling hurt or hopeless. He’s a grown-ass man: He knows that there are options for increasing his libido, and he knows that if he doesn’t like the idea of doctors, there’s a whole wide internet ready to make suggestions. (He could even write to me!)
Reminding him of these things directly will only make him feel less desirable himself. It’s interesting that you refer to him only as “a sweet guy.” Are you attracted to him? You are eager for sex, but are you eager for him specifically? Ultimately, F&U, your job isn’t to “fix” him. Your job is to get a lock on your own needs and your own dealbreakers, and invite him to meet you there.
Would you prefer a relationship with someone who matches your sexual energy? Would you be happy in an open relationship, where you can keep your sweet guy and get your sexual fulfillment elsewhere? Can you stay in this relationship frustrated forever? Take a long, hard look at your future and decide where your boundaries lie, then communicate them. His answers might not be what you hope, but you’ll be giving him a chance to have agency and a voice in the relationship and a way to be true to his own wants and needs. That’s the baseline of what you owe to each other.
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s January 2026 issue.
