Submit your question to Kiki, LV’s sex and relationship advice columnist. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
Dear Kiki,
Help! I don’t know how to tell my family (and friends) I’m AroAce (asexual-aromantic). I’ve been attempting to drop hints and politely refusing their advice, but to no avail. My friends are super cool and accepting — but my family may not believe me; they fully assume that I’m heavily sexually active. And have recently been pressuring me into getting STI/STD preventional medications and procedures as well as hormonal birth control, and appointments with OBGYNs (which I’ll never attend: It’s a long story). Still, I see why they think I’m active in these kinds of activities because of my status as a trans man and my involvement in the (safe) fetish subcultures and events in the QC area. Do you have any tips or tricks that might help them and myself to adjust?
—Ace Up My Sleeve
Dear Ace Up My Sleeve,
Coming out and coming out and coming out! It can feel exhausting, can’t it? It can be tricky for folks whose identities aren’t (as) marginalized to understand the tension between pride and privacy, between needing to be known and drawing boundaries. Just because we open up to others does not ever mean that we are opening ourselves up to debate and questioning — but even the most well-intentioned allies can miss that distinction.
The good news? That’s a them problem. No one is entitled to details about your habits and preferences, no matter how many details you’ve divulged thus far. Unfortunately, polite refusal and deftly dropped hints may be insufficient. Meet them where they are: If they’re comfortable enough with your relationship to offer intimate advice, then they should be comfortable enough to accept your honest feedback on how their pressure makes you feel. It won’t be an easy conversation, but it’ll be worth it.
Now the bad news, Ace Up My Sleeve. They’re right — well, in part. It sucks to hear it and it sucks to say it, but birth control and STI prevention are not only for those who are sexually active. Various studies over the past decades, across multiple countries, show that nearly half of all trans people have been victims of sexual violence. Statistics for trans men skew higher. It’s infuriating to live in a world where I have to advise someone who chooses to eschew sex to protect himself from sexually transmitted anything, but here we are.
Please don’t let your frustration with your loved ones’ intrusiveness dissuade you from facing this reality. And consider the possibility that they could be feigning ignorance of your choices because they’re afraid to confront their fears for your safety. It may be that they’re not comfortable bringing up the issue of sexual violence and find it easier to pretend that they’re protecting you from risks you’ve opted into.
That said, the bottom line is that it’s your life, and the people who love you need to accept that and accept you. Talk to other AroAces in your community (if you don’t have any yet, find them; like any marginality, it’s crucial to remind yourself that you’re not alone). Ask how they approach testing and prevention.
Then, start by coming out as AroAce to your super cool friends; once they’re up to speed, they can be the ace up your sleeve when starting the conversation with your family. It always helps to have someone who understands beside you to back you up. Good luck!
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s April 2025 issue.
