Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years, her at 20 and me at 23. We have had an OK marriage, the first 15 were pretty good. We argued a bit, but our biggest issue was her hiding and lying about who she was with and what she was doing. Usually, I just chalked that up to youthful hijinks, but in the last five years, she has started therapy and has been told to find her authentic self, even if it means betraying the marriage. For the last year, she has been on psychotropic drugs and about four months ago, she had an affair with a man she hasn’t said as much as “hi” to in the last 22 years, her ex from her sophomore year in high school. 

She lied to our marriage counselor about the affair, and even when she admitted it to her, she still lied about the extent of it. I see the good times we had, and they were great, but I also recognize the bad times were bad. She is convinced that new neural pathways have helped her grow and change her views of societal norms and doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong. Am I wrong for thinking that her affair is a medical issue due to medication and bad advice from a therapist (who is more of a friend than a professional to her these days)? Should I leave? Should I stay? 

—Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

Sounds like you’ve been sent reeling in the opposite direction of where you thought your life would go. I’m so sorry you and your wife are going through this struggle. And now you need to make the call: Is this a rough patch? Or a denouement?

The easiest part to answer is the part that will be hardest for you to hear. Thing is, your wife’s therapist is correct. Whether or not your wife has developed a friendship with her therapist, it’s still unequivocally true that finding one’s “authentic self” is a first step toward any kind of healing, progress or understanding.

Of course, the downside of that is that either you or your wife may discover that her “authentic self” isn’t the right person for this relationship.

That sucks. It’s really, really fucking hard, and nothing I can say will sufficiently sugar coat it. But there is no substitute for authenticity over the course of a long life. You’ve spent nearly half your lives together so far, but as young as you are, you likely have half your lives yet to live. To spend that time inauthentically would be a waste and a tragedy.

If the only way for your marriage to be successful was for your wife to reject authenticity and conform herself to an imagined version of herself, would you be OK with that? Would you be OK doing the same for her? Do you see a path to a true, honest and loving relationship that doesn’t involve authenticity for you both? 

That doesn’t mean that leaving is the only option, of course. You could discover that her “authentic self” is someone you love even more. You could find that her search for authenticity inspires you to embark on your own, which in turn may lead to all new realizations of incompatibility. But at the end of the day, the very best thing either of you could possibly gain from your marriage is to allow it to lead you closer to your truest selves.

I want to be clear: Your wife engaged in a relationship with her ex that was outside the agreed-upon boundaries of your current situation. Whether or not she ultimately decides that her “authentic self” is the kind of person who would do that, no path forward is likely unless she is willing to acknowledge the hurt that caused you. She may have changed her views on societal norms, but that doesn’t invalidate the pain you feel, and she has to reckon with that. (To each their own, but think carefully about whether you want to maintain trust with her if she is truly ambivalent about harming you.)

The fact is, though, that people change. You need to find a way to love these versions of each other, as you are, now, today, or let each other go to find love elsewhere. The 20 years you’ve had together won’t and can’t disappear. They are not invalid, even if you move forward along orthogonal paths. It’s corny, but don’t let your current circumstance embitter you to the joy and love that you shared over all that time. Things don’t have to last forever to have value.

xoxo, Kiki

This article was originally published in Little Village’s March 2024 issue.