Dear Kiki,

Polyamory has taken the lesbian and queer community by storm. Every person I talk to wants me to read The Ethical Slut or Polysecure and be on board with their primary partner, but after experimenting with it I think I’m just monogamous. Am I less enlightened? Less queer? How do I say I’m monogamous without sounding closeminded?

—Mind Open, Relationship Closed

Dear Mind Open, Relationship Closed,

Let’s see if I can pick apart the threads of your question, because I see red flags here that quite frankly have nothing to do with you or with polyamory.

When you write, “Every person I talk to,” I suspect you are not referring to friends and acquaintances, but to people who you’re hoping to date or hook up with, and that “be on board with their primary partner” means “date/hook up with them despite their current relationship status.”

MORC, if I may: That is bullshit.

Anyone trying to pressure you into a relationship that makes you uncomfortable is someone who is not worth the time it takes to let down gently. This is doubly true if they are implying that there’s something wrong with you for enforcing boundaries or trying to shame you into consenting. Disengage. Do not head for first base even on a walk. 

If by chance I’m wrong, and you’re actually saying that you are unable to accept that friends and acquaintances happen to be poly, then that’s a different story. Your monogamy doesn’t give you the right to judge them any more than the opposite.

But you have every right to build your relationships in ways that make you feel loved, wanted and safe. You can’t force or trick or educate yourself into being polyamorous, and being monogamous doesn’t make you any less queer.  

Please make every effort to be upfront and firm about this with potential partners. Put it in your dating profile, if you have one. Maybe even read the books that are being recommended, if you have time, just to shut down that line of inquiry. You’ve given it a shot. It’s not for you. That’s all anyone needs to know. It might be that you’ll have a harder time finding your one-and-only, but love isn’t meant to be easy. It’s meant to be worth it.

At least the monogamous and the polyamorous can agree about that!

xoxo, Kiki

Submit questions anonymously at littlevillagemag.com/dearkiki or non-anonymously to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online at littlevillagemag.com.

This article was originally published in Little Village’s August 2025 issue.