Submit your question to Kiki, LV’s sex and relationship advice columnist. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.
Dear Kiki,
I’ve recently discovered I have an interest in cumplay, but here’s the problem: I’m a cis guy in a committed monogamous relationship with a cis woman, and so the only semen-producer in the relationship is me. The problem, of course, is that post-orgasm, when I have the requisite materials, I’m no longer turned on. How do people do this?
—Too Jizzle Too Late
Dear Too Jizzle Too Late,
Well, well, well. You’ve found yourself in a bit of a cum-undrum, haven’t you? [Insert Pun Dog meme here.]
Let’s get the obvious solution out of the way first, Jizzle. I’m sure you and your partner have had this conversation, but I feel obligated to remind you that committed monogamy does not have to preclude play partners. There are as many different healthy ways to do committed monogamy as there are spermatozoa in a load! The key to all of them (to any relationship) is EACH: Always be sure that each person involved is both giving and receiving Enthusiasm, Attention, Compassion & Honesty.
What that means is, you can absolutely bring a willing third party into your sex life for sexual purposes only, as long as everyone’s cards are on the table and expectations are clear. It doesn’t make you any less committed or monogamous. Those labels represent your relationship to your partner; they are promises to be kept, but the boundaries are up to the two of you to define. After all, Jizzle, you couldn’t have discovered this interest in cumplay without some exposure to it — yet some couples include pornography or even masturbation as out-of-bounds when they say “committed monogamy.” The point is, as long as you and your partner are in agreement, it’s fine whatever way you circumscribe it.
But let’s say you’ve already put the idea of extra-curricular ejaculation to bed (so to speak). There’s hope for you yet! Just like relationship definitions, you can learn to challenge what you’ve been taught about how a sex session goes down. The typical assumption, reinforced by jokes and films and stereotypes galore, is of cis women capable of orgasm after orgasm with cis men being one-and-done. Roll over and go to sleep, amirite? But oh, Jizzle, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Lots of research has been done on the refractory period in cis men. That’s the amount of down time needed, ranging from just minutes to a day or more, between producing the “requisite materials,” as you say, and feeling aroused again. A lot of factors go into determining your personal refractory period: Some, like age, are immutable. But others, like cardiovascular health, are reasonably within your control. The techniques for shortening the time it takes to resurrect from the little death haven’t been studied that thoroughly yet. But there are some things that are likely to help, such as quitting smoking, cutting or reducing alcohol consumption — basically, all those heart-healthy habits your doctor has probably been pestering you to adopt already!
Now, we both know it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to reduce your refractory period to zero. So in the absence of miracles, how about you get a little creative? Once you know that you are capable of near-future arousal, Jizzle, you can take your time experimenting. Get your partner involved! There’s more to cumplay than just snowballing. Focusing on her pleasure is a great way to keep yourself in the moment, and the vicarious experience of her excitement will spur on your own. Try cumming on her key erogenous zones: You’ll drive her wild as you touch and tease with it. Let cumplay become a bridge between sessions — a step on the path toward your next arousal, not something you have to be aroused already in order to enjoy.
Happy lapping!
xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village’s February 2025 issue.
