Dear Kiki,

There are numerous walls I meet when trying to date online. Writing a decent bio is my #1 problem. Also equally tough is explaining the uncomfortable years of not understanding our American social etiquette. What seems like anxiety to a possible flame is confusion I possess for what’s going on.

What would be the best way for me to show myself off without seeming like a guy with no experience?

—Cleaning Up My Past

Dear Cleaning,

While the way we present ourselves is undeniably important, I’m not sure I can agree with you that writing a decent bio is your “#1 problem.” Nor, for that matter, is explaining away your past. What you seem to be missing from your online efforts are a strong understanding of who you are and a clear sense of what you want.

Unless you’re disclosing something potentially harmful, your past is none of anyone’s business (yet). This is not a job application where you have to account for gaps in employment. That’s not my encouragement to be dishonest — all I want you to do is to keep looking steadfastly forward, instead of obsessively checking your rear view.

If you see yourself as “a guy with no experience,” then that’s how you’ll come off, no matter how many bells, whistles and layers of paint you cake on. You need to focus on determining who you are, today, now: That’s the person any potential partner is going to meet on a first date.

What excites you? What are your passions, your preferences? What’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten? What movie coming out this year are you looking forward to? When did you last look in the mirror and just grin goofily at the person you saw? What song makes you dizzy with gratitude for having ears? And, crucially: Who do you picture across the table from you as you answer these questions?

You are not your past, Cleaning. And the best way to make that clear to those you are trying to woo is to believe it yourself. You’re concerned that your confusion may be mistaken for anxiety, but anyone who would be put off by either anxiety or confusion is likely not someone worth explaining the difference to. For that matter, your dream date could be someone who shares your lack of experience or your etiquette antipathy. The possibilities, while not endless, are broader than you imagine.

Figure out who you are, and figure out who you want to be. Those two people aren’t just more relevant than who you were — they’re liable to be infinitely more interesting as well.

xoxo, Kiki

Questions about love, sex or relationships can be submitted to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com, or anonymously using this form. Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

This article was originally published in Little Village’s September 2024 issue.