It’s finally that time of year, folks. Loved ones gather together by the crackling fire to share memories and hugs. Bygones are forgotten as we remember what’s really important. Grudges fall by the wayside, tears well up and love is made. Yes, it’s finally the apocalypse. The Mayan calendar comes to an end and so shall the world. So snuggle up and pop in your favorite seasonal movie, whether it be Apocalypto, Armageddon or Apocalypse Now. But hey, you know what? This year wasn’t just our last year on planet Earth; 2012 was also heralded as the year after the Robin-Wright-proclaimed “Year of the Woman” in film (at the January Critics Choice Awards). Coincidence? Join me, won’t you, and let’s take a look at how The Woman did this year at our favorite soda-sticky second-base factory, the movie house?
Thirst for Equality…and Blood
Lotsa women got to carry weapons and cause bloody deaths this year. Two Snow Whites got to carry swords and chop stuff. Katniss in Hunger Games and Brave in Brave got to shoot children and bears in the neck with arrows. Sure, sure, some would argue that these ladies were hollowly empowered by the masculine aggression bestowed upon them by symbolic phalluses, but those people need to get their minds out of the gutter. Women should have the right to kill anyone they want with whatever penis-shaped object they desire. In all four of these movies, the emphasis finally shifted away from the romance plotline. In three of them, it shifted onto women’s jealousy and hatred of each other, where it belongs, with Hunger Games being the exception. That was just a regular awesome movie. Also thirsting for blood is Kristen Stewart as a teenage mom/vampire bride in the final Twilight. Be sure that two of your last hours on Earth are spent watching that so when the end comes, you will welcome death.
A Joyful Noise, a heartfelt Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah vehicle, was supposed to come out this year but the film reels were unfortunately lost in a vast and unfathomable expanse of cleavage. James Cameron has yet to resurface from the retrieval excursion.
Women Can Be Funny, Too! Or Can They? No.
People assumed after 2011’s Bridesmaids that The Woman, as a human, is capable of possessing characteristics applicable to humans, namely the “funny” trait. The films of 2012 have proven this assumption false. There was no equally uproarious gyn-omedy to solidify the argument that women can be funny. You may be listing some ladies in your head now; Mindy Kaling, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Zooey Deshanel, Lena Dunham, the B—in Apt. 23. Those are just TV characters putting the “boob” in “boob tube.” Where are their movies? Nowhere. So, Bridesmaids? Even a blind squirrel can find a nut sometimes. Not if it’s a girl squirrel, though. I mean, have you ever seen a funny movie made by a sightless squirrel in a bra? Neither have I. Point proven.
Have you seen Prometheus? Shameful. A woman should not be allowed the abortion, even if she is gestating a horrible alien monster which will rip her to bloody shreds when it pops out of her abdomen, and even if she is performing the surgery on herself and it will cost tax-payers nothing. Just one more lesson we can learn from Kristen Stewart and her vampire spawn, which technically kills Kristen and was chewed out of Kristen’s uterus by her boyfriend…thus costing the taxpayers nothing. Brava! Bravisima!
James Bond Still Sexist
How many James Bond franchise films have been made at this point? Twenty? Two-hundred? And in how many of those two-hundred James Bond movies has James Bond been played by a woman? Zero. SEXIST!
Katherine Bigelow directed Zero Dark Thirty which comes out soon. I haven’t heard much about it, but it’s probably a fluffy chick flick about some girly crap, like the story of how America killed Bin Laden or something. Women, feh!
We got yet another Batman movie this year and yet another Spiderman movie and an Avengers movie. Each of the Avengers got at least one movie except Black Widow (and Hawkeye, I guess, but who would watch a Hawkeye movie?). Let the record show that even stupid Green Lantern got his own stupid movie before Wonder Woman ever got one. Too bad it’s too late now. Stupid, sexist apocalypse!
Hollywood finally realized that not all women need to listen to a bunch of sappy feelings-gushing in order to become aroused by a handsome man. So they invented Magic Mike. Hollywood trusted that Magical Michael (Channing Tatum, or Tate Channum) could just wave his genitals at the screen to lure in the female viewership. Then they got cold feet and added a bunch of sappy feelings-gushing back into it and mucked it all up. Women should have the right to objectify and degrade whomever they chose without all that Hallmark nonsense getting in the way. SEXIST!
Man on a Ledge. What, a woman can’t be on a ledge? SEXIST!
So there we have it, folks: The Woman seems to have gained modest traction in Hollywood and it only took her until the end of time to do it. Happy Armageddon, everyone!
Kit Bryant lives in Iowa City with her
valid alibi and several innocuous non-lethal pastimes. Outside the workplace, she enjoys sarcasm, light spanking, and fleeting
moments of hope and levity. Her blog is