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Pro Tips: Diamante is a Girl’s Best Friend


Wayne Diamante, MacArthur recognized success consultant and acclaimed limerick impresario tackles meaty enquiries with succulence and vegan panache in this week’s PRO-TIPS with Wayne Diamante. Maybe you’re struggling with a difficult toddler, or trying to manage an aging parent’s finances. Perhaps you’re just looking for a tolerably good plastic surgeon and a get-away driver; Wayne Diamante can help. If you’ve got questions, Wayne has bills to pay, so send them on over to askwaynediamante@gmail.com and he’ll likely cobble together an intelligible stream of answery-ish sounding words. In English. Most of the time.

 

Dear Wayne,

I’m trying out a variety of stratagems for bonding with my infant daughter, but having little success. My wife is frequently away on work-related trips and it can be a real struggle trying to manage my 6 month old since I don’t have titties. Any help you could provide will be greatly appreciated. 

Sincerely,

Mitch

 

Dear Mitch,

Let me tell you, as a former work at home dad, I can feel your pain. My ex-wife was always away on business. But in her case, “business,” meant weeklong spa treatments in Portugal getting boned by some asshole with a spray-tan named Jeff. That is, of course, all on a cell phone you don’t have access to, as well as beside the point. I recommend adding Nestlé’s Quick to your daughter’s breast milk/formula/whatever. Your daughter’s favorite parent will quickly become evident. If you need to escalate and she’s ready for solid food try pureeing Pop-Tarts mixed with Yoohoo! and then give yourself a pat on the back for earning Father of the Year.

She’s Cheating on You,

Wayne

 

Wayne,

First time submitter, longtime fan.  Recently my co-workers and I were chatting about human anatomy and physiology.  Specifically, we discussed certain physical anomalies that occur when paired with just the right clothing; camel-toe; camel hoof; banana hammock; and of course muffin-top. Which brings me to my question: what would you call the cavernous naval outline created by a tightly stretched shirt over a muffin-top?  We dubbed it “the crater,” but would “caldera” be more apt?  Any thoughts? 

Harvey Boulsahnjja,

Laporte, CO

 

Dear Harvey,

That’s a weird question, but I did learn a lot about volcanoes looking into it. Frankly, after twenty minutes of study I can say with confidence I do not know the difference between a caldera and a crater. Or which one applies where, when. “Caldera” traces its etymological roots to “cooking-pot,” (cauldron) so I’m leaning toward that. What, with the belly button sweat and the lint and the pubes…. it seems kind of like a “stew” environment. I also like the idea of the “Fireman’s Tarp,” or whatever you call the blanket people have to jump into while escaping burning buildings in old-timey movies. Another option could be “The Bodhrán,” which is one of those half-assed, Irish drums you play with a stick and prance around like the dipshits in Riverdance. No offense, Riverdance dipshits, wherever you may be. Actually, I’m pretty sure the guy from Riverdance, Michael Flatley, and Brian Setzer are the same guy. Either that, or they are moonlighting as elderly, twin lesbians. What were we just talking about?

Sincerely,

Wayne

PS: If I have offended anyone (those who may be viz.: out of shape, geology buffs, cooks, firemen, the burned, the Irish, Riverdance aficionados, Celtic heritage types, M. Flatley, or B. Setzer and/or his orchestra or fans) I apologize. But everything I said is also true. – Wayne


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