WELCOME TO YOUR “BACK TO SCHOOL” EDITION of Pro-Tips with Wayne Diamante! I hope you all had terrific summer vacations, internships, voluntary rehabilitations and work release programs. I myself have just returned from vacation in the Old South, and … well, I’ah do declare the splendor of the Savannah airport’s Paula Deen souvenir display is undiminished by the latest addition to her colorful personality and folksy worldview. Way to go Paula. Maybe they will call it Type II Deenabeetus in celebration of your humanity after you’ve shuffled off this mortal coil to the great lard vat in the sky. Plop. I digress: This Pro-Tips is about hitting the books and keeping your nose to the grindstone! Got it, buster?
Dear Wayne,
I’m an incoming graduate student here at the U of Iowa and my wife and I are expecting our first child in a few months. We’ve been brainstorming names and we recently learned the sex: Do you have any name suggestions for our boy-to-be? Also, what’s the best way to turn down someone’s name suggestion? Thanks!
Cheers,
Z
Dear Z,
Congratulations! All of the best male names are also parts—or terms—associated with firearms. For instance:
-Trigger
-Hammer
-Marksmanship
-Kobra RDS, and…
-Full Auto
Those are just to name a few.
As for the second portion of your question: Politely turning down other people’s ideas can be difficult—I recommend not doing it. For instance, if someone says, “You should name your son blahblahblah” you should say, “You’re an idiot” or “Quiet over there, dumbass.” It’s not going to make you any friends, but that’s why you build a family to begin with. There’s nothing better than tricking someone into marrying you and then getting built-in people forced to put up with your shit as long as you live. Here’s to families! Congratulations again on the little turd-pump, you should name him Wayne.
Sincerely,
Wayne
Dear Wayne,
What is the strangest, true thing you learned in college?
Yours Truly,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
That’s a great question. It’s a two-part answer, but it’s all about Mennonites. First thing is, the only real distinction between the Mennonites and the Amish is that Mennonites are allowed to wear ski-jackets, drive cars and do other normal shit.
The second has to do with the Amish and the reason they have no mustaches on their beards. Because many Amish women have to outwardly endure some ridiculous 15th century notion of subservience, they were quid-pro-quo’d, on demand, unconditional and unlimited nominal congress. The no-mustache look is collateral damage vis-à-vis the bargain above. Truth.
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Science,
Wayne
Well, that about wraps it up for this B2S edition of Pro-Tips with Wayne Diamante. Good luck this semester to all you students out there! I look forward to seeing all of your couches and mattresses on the street next Aug. 1, assholes. Seriously, I’ve never seen so many mattresses on the street. Who are these people? Do they have bed bugs? Are they that fucking lazy? It makes your town look like shit and no one wants to see your blown-out, urine-stained Serta lying there like Paula Deen: occasionally flopping around a little bit, feebly gesturing for more butter, jowls fluttering softly in the moonlight. Just behave like an adult and take your big garbage to the dump. Class dismissed.
